While this quote mentions the loss of a child, I think it applies to anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. I hate that when I start to talk about my dad, the room often becomes silent. I get those silent grins as people remember that my father died by suicide. Almost four years after losing my dad, I still feel like talking about him brings the mood down in the room. My father died at 62 years old. 62 years of life before his death. I had him for 28 years before he left this world. It often feels like 28 years of stories have been ruined by one single act. The person that ended his life that day was not my father. Nobody is truly themselves when they complete the act. Their pain was just greater than they were on that day. While I wish my dad was here every single day, I would not choose for him to live in pain. For everyone else who becomes uncomfortable with the stories we tell of our loved ones, remember that they lived for many years before their death. Allow us to tell our stories. Join in. Laugh. Smile. Be happy. Grieving is much easier when you can actually talk about it.
Courtney says
My father just commited suicide this past April, at the age of 65. I really hold onto that thought that it wasn’t him, that he was overcome with pain and suffering and his mind just took over. Being the only child and that my parents were separated I was was the one he came to. Ive always been closer to my dad then my mom and when they seperated I stayed with him. Every good childhood memory I have, has him in it. the hardest thing I struggle with is that I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most. I have three children of my own and a full time job and I feel like towards the last few months of his life I didn’t know what to do or what to say to him.he was weary about getting help for his drinking, he had gotten a Dwi and was having to deal with the stress of that and he was in a lot of physical pain as well. The last few months of his life he also started to become very paranoid and started seeing things. He ran his car into a tree the day before Easter and walked away luckily without a scratch, the police brought him to my house because he had refused to go to the hospital and I’ll always remember him walking in and sitting at the kitchen table just staring shaking his head, saying he couldn’t believe he did that. I asked him what had happenend and he said he just wasn’t paying attention. My fiancé and the police thought it could of been on purpose, but I was in such denial, I didn’t ever think my dad would do something like that. A week later he took his own life in his home, that was by far the worst day of my life. My dad had always been the one everyone came to no matter what time of the day and night and it makes me so sad and so angry that he died alone and sad and scared. I wasn’t there for him and I made him feel like a burden,I was to wrapped up in my life to realize what my dad was going threw. I will always regret not hugging him and crying that I was so worried about him. As for now all I can do is keep his memory alive, the good one that everyone misses.
Trish K says
You have no responsibility here. Please seek counseling and a suicide survivor group. Survivor guilt is false guilt and a burden you don’t have to carry. Praying for you.
Helen says
Hi Courtney, I was 6 years old when my Dad took his own life, and I still struggled with feelings of guilt and that I should have been able to prevent it somehow years later. I’d really recommend the book ‘Silent grief – living in the wake of suicide’ by Lukas and Seldon. This book helped me to realise that feeling responsible for someone who takes their own life is a common response for many people.
I hope you are able to get the support you need x
JONATHON HORTON says
Hello Folk, I lost my father to suicide eleven years ago. I found him in our garage where he shot himself. It took me years to learn how accept so many things. My biggest struggle was just letting people know, I kept inside for years because I felt people who judge me. However, I have climbed this mountain and am now comfortable with my father’s suicide. My father was in loads of pain and going through serious depression, and I am glad it was me who found him. I was with him until the end and knew of the pain, so it was right for me to find him. Folks, I am now going to walk for suicide this Sunday October 25th here in NYC in honor of my family and father. I am trying to raise money for OUT OF THE DARKNESS, if you can and would like to donate, please click the link! Thank you for your time.
REMEMBER THERE IS HOPE AND YOU ARE LOVED.
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donordrive.participantDonations&participantID=857277
-JONATHON HORTON
Adele says
I hear everyone say that people that had committed suicide (my daughter a month ago..) have been in pain.
And they are glad their pain is over.
I don’t understand what everyone is talking about? What type of pain is it?
Becky says
Hi Adele,
We are so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. When survivors and readers refer to the “pain” a loved one was facing prior to their death, they are commonly speaking to the mental anguish or depression they battled inside. Sometimes, this can be so intense it leads to physical pain. But, in other words, it’s the weight of the struggle they were dealing with and the inability to see a way out of it.
Becky
Joanne Feenstra says
Jessica,
I think of Rob often and did not see this coming. He had put braces on his teeth to correct them. He had remodeled Moms house to claim as his own and had back surgery to improve his quality of life. He told me he was seeing Barbara his high school sweetheart which caused some concern for me but it seemed he was coping. He came to see me in Colorado Springs that Summer (2011) and talked about you and Nicole and how well you were doing and how proud he was of both of you. He was always trying to make up for mistakes he made and to be the man you could admire. I didn’t hear from him after that. Can you share any memories you have about his life after that Summer? I heard that he spent Christmas with you and Nicole and wonder how he was doing. Thank you. Hope you are well. Joanne
Jose M. Venero says
Dear Courtney,
Please do not continuously beat yourself up over something that neither you nor anyone else had control over and therefore could not have prevented it from happening. Reading what you describe about your father tells me he was surely a good man … and that surely you are a wonderful daughter and mother. I’m not a psychologist or a psychiatrist or an outwardly/overly religious person, but I believe we all have inner demons. For some it can be a life long struggle to keep them in check. Your father was overcome by what can best be described as his inner demons. You are correct in thinking that it wasn’t him on that particular day. Remember your father as he truly was. I hope that in some small way a stranger such as me was able to provide you with some level of comfort with my words.
God bless you and your family.
Terri Schacht says
I lost my son in August to suicide. I know how it feels for others which makes it hard for me to be around people right now I’m not always ready to talk and I don’t want it acknowledged but I do want it acknowledged and I don’t want to be looked at with pity but I don’t want people to pretend as if he never existed he was wonderful. I will be happy when I can share the photo in this story. Thank you
Lisa Ludwig says
Terri,
I lost my 21 year old son in March of 2014. I have surrounded myself with the most amazing mothers that have lost their children as well. This has been a HUGE help to me. I would strongly encourage you to do the same. WE are not alone in this at all. Mothers like us are everywhere Terri. Please feel free to contact me any time. You my sweet broken friend, are not alone. Sending you love and hugs. Lisa
Mrs. T. says
Again, I totally agree, Jessica. Your post arrived at a very timely moment. I will be co-hosting a gathering soon where many of the invitees were friends of my husband. It has been over a year and a half now since my husband left this earth.
He requested no funeral or service so we abided by that. This is the first social function that I have hosted since the tragedy. Personally, I want to hear and talk about the good times we shared, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that conversation doesn’t become strained and awkward for others.
If I had my druthers, I’d prefer that people don’t begin asking personal questions——the how, the where, the why—because it will certainly take me to a very sad place again. I deal with memories of my husband every single day and often they still bring me to tears. And I don’t mind answering personal questions if it is just one-on-one. If I start to well up and cry then it is shared only between myself and that person.
I’ll admit that I am feeling some angst. So do you have any suggestions on how to indicate to folks that I’d prefer not to answer any of the sad questions at the party that still surround my hubby’s passing?
Tracy says
Thankyou Jessica for this post. I lost my 20 year old son Mick to suicide on 10th November 2015 the day before his 21st birthday. I have experienced the uncomfortable silences that come about when I talk about my Mick but I slways finish on a positive note and tell them thst I have plenty of good memories and that I live my life as happily as I can. I have had plenty to celebrate this last year, turned 50 in April, grandson born in June and 5 years clear of breast cancer in July.. I miss Mick everyday but as long as the sun shines and the world spins I will live and love life.