How Family Members Grieve Differently

Three years prior to my Dad’s suicide, my Mom died suddenly in a car accident. I remember not being able to cry at the wake or funeral, and how so many people kept telling me “it’s okay Lindsay”, as if they thought I was trying not to cry. It’s not that I wasn’t upset, I was insanely upset– My Mom died suddenly six months before my wedding. For some reason, I was so in shock I couldn’t cry. I cried on my own when trying to fall asleep (when I could sleep), I was having other physical issues related to stress, but what everyone saw was that I wasn’t crying.

Now for my Dad’s death, I did cry—and I grieved completely different for him than I did my Mom (partially because it was a suicide, but also because of the responsibilities I was left with).

And at this point (the first few months after my Dad died), I didn’t even like talking about my Dad. I HATED when his friends , my brother or my husband would tell stories about my Dad. My brother on the other hand, liked telling stories about my Dad and reminiscing. He wanted to look at pictures of him and asked for copies of specific pictures.  I on the other hand, did not want to think about him…I didn’t want to hear funny stories about him, I did not want to remember how awesome he was, and I definitely didn’t want to look at pictures of him.

I was angry about what he did to me, Tommy and my husband. He left me parent-less and I felt so alone. I was so mad that my Dad messed up my life. My husband and I left our condo in the city and moved to the suburbs for seven months, sleeping on a futon in the extra bedroom of my parent’s house. Every little thing I had to do dealing with my Dad’s estate would make me go from normal to completely stressed in a matter of minutes. I didn’t think it was fair that a 26-year old had to figure out what to do with her Dad’s 401K, transfer all his funds, deal with life insurance, a house, and on top of that worry about my brother and try to comprehend my Dad’s suicide. At one point I even punched a picture frame and shattered glass everywhere.

After the initial shock of the suicide wore off, my anger transferred from my Dad to everyone else. I was insanely stressed out, everything upset me, I overanalyzed every little condolence my co-workers gave me, and when I thought they weren’t being sincere, I put them on this list of “people I want to beat up.” It sounds silly, but I had such anger and rage and wanted to get into a fight. I realized that this anger transfer went from my Dad to other people, but I couldn’t help it. It’s what I felt at that time.

And I didn’t really want to talk about my feelings with anyone besides my counselor (and this included my husband). Now this was complete 180 from what my brother was experiencing. I remember him coming in and crying to my husband and I on many occasions and openly discussing what he was feeling and his emotions at that time.  I didn’t know what to say, because I didn’t really want to talk with him about what I was going through. There were so many times we’d be on the phone and he’d start talking about how he has really been missing our Dad, or he’d ask me something like “so how do you feel today since its 4 months after Dad passed?” I remember being completely taken aback.  I didn’t feel comfortable at that point openly talking about what I was feeling, because quite honestly, I was so mad and focused on the estate stuff I wasn’t processing my emotions.

My brother and I also grieved differently in a group counseling setting. Three months after my Dad died, my brother and I attended an 8-week support group through LOSS (where we met Becky in 2011). In the meetings my brother and I flip-flopped completely. I had no problems discussing how I was feeling. He on the other hand, would be very quiet and rarely say anything. I remember it made me mad because I knew he had things to say; he would say them to my husband and I at home! However, after talking with others in the group, I realized that some people just get enough from listening to what others say and how family members grieve differently. Not everyone has to vent the same way.

I know we grieved differently based on the roles we had after my Dad’s suicide. I was the older sibling, so I was in charge of the estate. He had more time to process his emotions right away, where I was more focused on what had to be done next. It took me a little over a year to truly feel sadness, and that was after I was done settling my Dad’s estate.

Several months ago while at a wake, I overheard someone say “…and his kids aren’t even crying.” I remember being so upset that people think you have to cry—or act a certain way to be grieving someone you love. From my own personal experience, I know I did not cry at my Mom’s funeral/wake, and cried a little at my Dad’s. That did not mean at all that I wasn’t upset. Shock sets in and your body functions differently.

Everyone acts differently and expresses emotions in different ways.  And I can speak for myself that over time, how you grieve and what works for you changes as well.

Image courtesy of palliative.org.