Despite the lasting grief we carry with us after a loss, survivors continue to experience happiness after a suicide – and we have every right to soak up those feelings of joy. On August 13th, at 7:01p.m., my husband and I welcomed a beautiful baby girl to the world. I was overcome with emotion, as I never imagined I could be so in love with someone who I had just met. She was absolutely perfect!
Annabelle Sarafina
Tomorrow my daughter will be 12 weeks old. The past 12 weeks have been an absolute whirlwind as I have gotten acclimated with my new role as a mother. There was little time to think about anything that did not relate to breastfeeding, diaper changes, gas, tummy time and spit up. However, in the past couple weeks as both my daughter and I have settled into our new life, a great deal of emotion has come over me as I have come to terms with the fact that Annabelle will never meet her grandfather.
I was once told my another survivor that the spirit of our unborn children are often in the care of our loved ones who are no longer with us until they are brought into the world. My husband and I like to believe this is true. We often position her in front of the picture of him that we have prominently displayed in our living room. She always stares at the picture as if she recognizes him. It truly is amazing.
Prior to the birth of my daughter, I had a visit from my father in my dreams. My daughter, a beautiful brown headed girl, crawled towards us smiling from cheek to cheek. My father looked at me and said, “she is beautiful.” I cried and told him how much I missed him. He simply replied, “I miss you too.” He looked so at peace in this dream. I tear up still thinking about that dream; it was so real. Not only did I meet my daughter in that dream, but I saw my father. Shortly after, my little brown headed girl entered the world.
The fact that my daughter will never meet her grandfather will never be easy for me to accept. Mostly because, she would have loved him and he would have adored her. Life events are difficult after the loss of a loved one; we must do what we can to accept this. Although my father is no longer with us, my husband and I have made a promise to talk about the man he was. My daughter may not meet him, but she will know who he is. But who knows….maybe she already has met him. How have you experienced happiness after a suicide in your life?
Annabelle at 12 weeks
Jessica,
Annabelle is precious, thanks for sharing her picture! My husband and I have also have a little girl that was born almost three years after my father passed away, and I still wrestle (and imagine I always will) with her not being able to meet her grandfather. We will make a point to talk openly and show her pictures of him and her other grandfather, who passed away over 25 years ago. I imagine both of her grandfathers watching her grow from heaven and being so excited as she hits new developmental milestones. They probably show her off to their buddies upstairs just as they would in a coffee shop down here on earth. Congrats on Annabelle and enjoy all those itty bitty snuggles you get, they grow fast!
Thank you Diana! Annabelle truly is such a blessing. I love your thoughts…I do think my father is showing her off to his buddies upstairs. He was always so proud of his family. I will enjoy the snuggles. She is already growing so fast! Thank you for commenting and continuing to visit our blog!
my daughter was 4 weeks old when my father took his life. he had not met her yet. some point after his death (I don’t remember how many months but it was at least a few) I had a dream. I think it was my first dream with him in it since his death. we were on the beach and Hadley was about two years old and we were running in the waves with him. it felt so so so good yet when I awoke I had such a heartache. but after the heartache I had a good feeling…..
I know for me those first months with Hadley were so emotional . but whenever she smiled I had such happiness and new things would be okay. looking at the picture you posted of Annabelle makes me think the same thing again. my children have given me happiness and are what kept me going after I did not think I could.
congratulations on your bundle of joy and good luck in motherhood. and remember she has a very special guardian angel watching over her!