In the past, I wrote this blog post about the Stages of Grief and how guilt impacted our ability to move through each stage successfully. Recent conversation with a family member after the loss of Blackhawk’s assistant equipment manager, Clint Reif, motivated me to revisit the topic of guilt after suicide as many questioned, “How did his family not know?”
If you are a survivor, you have likely become very familiar with guilt after suicide. It plays a strong role in our grief process and can often hinder our ability to move forward. Guilt keeps us in the past as we consistently question our actions and the actions of the person we lost. It is amazing to me how my own guilt after my dad’s suicide altered my memories. Small things that I often would not remember all of a sudden became big things; things that I questioned, tore apart, and often obsessed about. We try anything and everything to lessen the guilt after suicide. Questions like, “How did you not know?” can make guilt that much stronger as you blame yourself for not preventing the actions of the person you lost.
I think this is a very common misconception of those who have never been touched by suicide. While there are those who did communicate their thoughts, their are certainly those who did not. And to be honest, questions like “How did you not know?” make me a little angry because it just contributes to the overwhelming sense of guilt you are already experiencing. I do not fault people who may have this perception. It is not necessarily their fault that they do not understand why often times there aren’t any clear signs. It goes back to this perception that society has of people who die by suicide. The depth of one’s pain isn’t always as obvious to those on the outside. I think we survivors need to sometimes cut ourselves a break and acknowledge that maybe the signs weren’t as clear as we thought.
I have compared everyday depression and anxiety to an addiction in an effort to help people understand. Not every alcoholic or drug addict is homeless, unemployed or violent. In fact, most are working Americans just like the rest of us. Someone with an addiction is by far one of the best actors I have ever seen. Day after day they put on this show for the world, pretending they do not have a problem. Many are fooled by their act, and are surprised to find out that they have this addiction. Someone battling depression and anxiety can be exactly like someone battling an addiction. They put on this mask every single day trying not to expose their true self to the world. An addict or alcoholic often wears this mask until they hit their “rock bottom.” A person battling anxiety and depression often wears their mask until the day they hit theirs, which all too often is the day they die.
I provide this comparison in an effort to give someone out there a little comfort in knowing that maybe the signs weren’t as clear as one would hope. Maybe the person you lost to suicide wore a mask and didn’t have the ability to take it off, exposing their true self to the world. I often think that I never truly knew my dad, only the person he wanted me to see. While sometimes I do still feel guilty, I also feel a strange sense of peace that maybe he has finally found a place where he can remove the mask and just be.
Thank you for this. I lost my 19 year old daughter to suicide almost 2 years ago. I question everything I did since the day she was born. One of the most hurtful things I hear is, “wasn’t there a sign? I always heard there were signs.” And this was from a nurse only a short time after my daughter died. I feel guilt every single day. I go to support groups, and have been asked, ” if there was something I could change, what would it be?” My answer is everything. But I don’t think it would have made a difference. Again, I thank you for this article.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I know my article can not take your guilt away, but I do hope it brought you a little comfort. Even just for a few moments.
Jessica pls help me!!
I suffer from OCD and tend to put myself in hyperresponsibility. 5months back I encountered with a suicide!! Actually we (me and my friend were living upstairs) heard someone crying below. As we rushed below we could see our houseowner crying bitterly and there were few kids too crying!! She asked us to go upstairs and we went up. Inside a room I could see two legs dangling and I didnt enter it because I didn want to see a hanging body. But my friend entered. During this time a thought came to me of wether the body is still alive, what if I checked the pulse? Or I could just ask my friend to check it. But my anxiety was at peak. So I didnt do anything. Also the fear of touching a dead body was too much. Later on as we came out, one of the man said something (I could not understand his language but he spoke ‘five and minutes’ in his language. I am not sure if he meant that but my ocd was quick to interpret it as ‘she died five minutes ago’. Even my friend suggested that we should have checked her pulse. These two things combined gave me a guilt feeling which I supressed vigorously. Now after 5 months of continuous fight (vehement denial, and supression), I want to stop the fight because I cannot and dont want to fight. I am tired of pretending how inocent I am and treating the guilt as one small thing which can go off anytime. I havenot acknowledged the guilt to myself. I want to acknowledge it and move on.
I have suffered very badly. Now I have taken a conscious decision to deal with it and balance it off with the acknowledgement it deserves.
how can that be done?
This sounds like a terribly traumatic experience. First and foremost, guilt is one of the most difficult pieces to work through. I have found grief to be similar to that of an addiction; first we have to acknowledge that it is there and then we can begin working through it. You have taken the first step. I am not sure where you are located, but I highly recommend working with a therapist to help you process and work through your guilt. If a therapist is available to you, please make sure that he/she specializes in trauma AND grief. What your are currently experiencing is likely a result of the trauma. Yes, what you experienced was a traumatic experience! If you do not have a therapist available to you, I can recommend a couple books. However, working with a trauma focused grief therapist is ideal. Please feel free to email me at oursideofsuicide@gmail.com with any questions! -Jessica
JB
This may not help but I had a brother commit suicide and me and my sisters says “I’m glad no one caught him and stopped it, can you imagine how pissed-off he would have been’? Why do we think people who commit suicide don’t REALLY want to. They are miserable!! Life isn’t always worth living you know. We help people die when they have terminal cancer……why can’t we give the same dignity and respect to those in such terrible places that they want to die too. And I don’t buy the “medicine” route for everyone. Some (many) are miserable on medication. I can’t imagine the pain of a severely depressed person. Please don’t discredit this person’s will to die. They are entitled. Maybe your stopping this person would have been a great disservice to her. Have you considered that?
“They are entitled” thank you for saying that. It’s true, we have no right to tell them it’s wrong. When a person is terminally ill from cancer, they now have this lovely program called “hospice” where you can die at home peacefully with loved ones around them and medication to relieve the pain as you drift softly off into death. I feel our loved ones who are suicidal should have the same option.
Depression is a disease she had. You didn’t give it to her. She “died of suicide” it happened to her because of the disease. I don’t think she committed it, I think in that moment, they are unstoppable and the disease won’t let them think through it. I feel your pain. I lost my son to suicide three weeks ago. He died June 19, 2016.
Thank you for your insight in this very difficult time. It helped me tremendously to stop the guilt & denial that my son was mentally ill & took his life 6/13/2016 to end his pain. That I would have been doing him a disservice ,in all probabilities , that I could have prevented it. So sorry for your loss & I understand your pain. 💔💔💔💔💔
thank you. I like the comparison to the addict. I lost my 16 year old son to suicide October 15, 2013. He wore that mask well. Not a single person who knew him thought he was depressed or hurting in any way. He was the “perfect” kid. He wanted to become a youth pastor, just ordered his football letterman, volunteered to help special needs kids, all honors classes, leadership roles at church and school. I could go on and on. The guilt of not knowing…it consumes me. As his mom, how could I not see he was struggling? I pray to find some peace one day. But I don’t think I ever will. I’m scared I now wear that mask. Like im on auto pilot going through life. 🙁
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. That is a pain that no person should have to endure. It is amazing how well our loved ones were at wearing their mask. It is so difficult to forgive ourselves for not being able to save them. Guilt has been one of the hardest things to let go of on my grief journey. I highly recommend support groups. Being among others who knew EXACTLY how I felt was so helpful for me. The Alliance of Hope also has a great online forum for those who do not have access to a group, or just aren’t ready to attend. Other survivors have truly been the ones to help me find some sense of peace. My thoughts are with you during this very difficult time:(
It seems I get to feel a semblance of “I will get through this” when someone asks me if there were “signs”….or did I know. These types of questions catapult me back into swirling thoughts of “how could I have been so blind!” Yesterday a woman said that a neighbor caught her mother with a plastic bag over her head and was able to stop it. What the heck!! I spent all night and this morning thinking-what if I had come back home that morning and caught him…Perhaps he could have got better-“he” is my spouse.
All of this wants me to avoid people all together.
I completely agree with you. The question of “how did you not know” not only brings a rise in emotions but makes you feel as if you have to defend yourself. Being on the defense is not a place you want to be while grieving. Our society is ignorant when it comes to suicide. I am embarrassed to say that I have been that ignorant person until touched by suicide. I too have played the “what-if” game and it will surely drive you crazy. Learning to live in the present, and not allowing others to bring me down is a skill that I one day hope to master:)
I lost my dad at the age of 18 two months before i turned 19 its only been a little over a year now ive blamed myself so much for it i kept telling myself if i didnt move in with my mom to better my life would he still be here could i have stopped him a little bit lonnger. Theres days i still blame myself for leaving or not knowing but this article helped thank you
Although I wish the topic was different, I am happy that my post was helpful to you. I hope that future posts will assist in your grief journey. Be kind to yourself.