The Significance of Dates and Times after Loss

Becky | May 10, 2015

Guest blogger Michelle H., who lost her son to suicide, returns again this week to share about an aspect of loss we have heard many survivors talk about in group meetings: the significance of particular dates and times associated with a loved one’s death. Can you relate?

How Markers of Time Evolve

I’ve been thinking about why the markers of time are so important to me. In the first few months, I marked the time following my son’s death by days and weeks. Every Wednesday, around 9:30 (when I found Marcus) and Thursday at 9:57 (when his heart stopped beating after we stopped life support) had so much significance in my mind. I could feel the dark cloud increase. Usually, I would light a candle at those times and I spent a lot of time outside at night looking up into the sky.

There was a time when I couldn’t remember how many weeks had gone by and I would panic. I would have to get a calendar and count the weeks. Gradually, my thinking transitioned into marking time by the months and the 12th of each month became what I focused on. Then the holidays started coming along. The days leading up to the 12th and each holiday often were worse than the actual day (although not always). When 2014 became 2015 I had a much harder time than I thought I would. New Year’s celebrations were not usually a big part of our family, so this took me by surprise. I think it is the fact that 2015 is the first year that Marcus will not be on this earth. It is the passing of time that is so hard. It is another indication that life goes on, the world keeps going on, even though my life is shattered.

I am about two months away from Marcus’ 18th birthday (May 28) and the one-year anniversary. Every time I think about it, I get anxious and panicky. I think it is because this is similar to the changing of years. Having his birthday come along and then a few weeks later the one-year anniversary are signs of time continuing to pass without him here and they serve as harsh reminders, even though I certainly don’t need to be reminded of the loss of my son.

I am not sure why I am so fixated on dates when there are plenty of other signs of time passing–kids in his

class getting their senior pictures taken and posting about where they are going to college. The homecoming dance has come and gone and soon it will be time for graduation and prom. I know for those who have lost older kids it is hard to see when kids their age graduate from college, get a good job or get married and start their families.

I think a lot of people will always remember Marcus…but they aren’t his mother, I am. They will be able to move on with their lives (as they should) and his loss will just be a sad memory for them. For me, there is no moving on. I will carry on and I will continue to live my life. I do believe joy and happiness will return, but I will always live with the constant ache. I will always miss my sweet, goofy boy. As I carry on, I will miss all the usual life milestones he would have reached, but I will also miss knowing him as an adult and the seeing the great accomplishments I know he could have achieved.

For me, marking time since my son died is a way to keep him close and the reason I get so distressed when significant dates arrive is because it feels like he is getting farther away as life goes on. – Michelle

Comments

Ellen Atkins says

May 10, 2015 at 8:12 PM

Yes, I can relate Michelle my grandson took his life on December 28th. In many ways I feel like he took our lives with him. This is our season of firsts, his birthday April 14th and this day Mother’s day that I wish would hurry up and end because Happy Mother’s day is a phase that his mother and I can not bear to hear.
I know that life goes on the world is moving I just don’t seem to be moving with it, I’m praying every day and I know that God is blessing me in many ways but these days are hard. We miss all the things that he should be here to do.
Michelle Hill says

May 11, 2015 at 6:56 AM

Ellen, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandson. I, too, was grateful last night when Mother’s Day was almost over.
Tammy Pauls says

May 11, 2015 at 1:23 PM

Ellen,

I’m sure Mother’s Day was so very heart breaking for all of you mothers and Grandmothers who have lost sons, daughters and grandchildren. I always find it’s the day after that is worse.

Friday night used to be my favorite time of the week. I always told everyone it was like Christmas Eve. The excite
ment of the weekend to come. Now my Friday nights are the hardest for me. My sister and I found our brother on a Friday night at 6:15 pm. I find myself watching the clock. At 6 pm my stomach starts to get tied up in knots. I hope someday I will again be able to enjoy Friday pm’s like I used to.

I too count the weeks. When he first died I wanted time to stand still. I didn’t want week 4, 5, 6 to come. I guess it was my way of holding on.

It’s been hard losing a sibling. I can’t even begin to imagine how all of the mothers, fathers and grandparents feel. My thoughts and prayers are with you all every day. You are right, this ache will stay with you forever. I pray it just isn’t so raw for you every minute of every day.

Love to you. Tammy
Bronwyn Newman says

June 9, 2015 at 3:51 AM

My son died from suicide at the tender age of 14 years. We were so close and not a day goes by that i do not think of him or mention him or look at his pictures. The emptiness i feel is sometimes unbearable and I hate that times passes by i don’t want him gone months counted for the pain is still so fresh and real. I am broken and will forever be broken
- Debra says
  
  July 29, 2015 at 9:23 AM
  
  I to am forever broken..I have lost hope of healing. Learning to live with the pain is best i can do now. Every fiber in me knows my Daddy would hate that but I can’t help it..I do my best
Debra says

July 29, 2015 at 9:21 AM

I can completely relate to time passing with knowledge they aren’t. I can not believe I have survived 3+ without my Daddy. The numbers cut deep with agony. Thanks for your words
vicki says

May 10, 2016 at 7:29 PM

I too understand your pain. For those early in your journey,I can offer a little Hope. I lost my only son 10/23/12. I buried him the morning of Halloween, his favorite holiday. The saddest part was someone knew where he was and what he was going to do and told no one. Because I have no gravesite to visit,( he lived in Calif, me in South Carolina). I have an memorial garden in my backyard with a concrete bench that I painted.
He took a large part of my heart with him. Along with any relationship with his children. In a matter of moments I lost an entire family.
The pain does soften.I found a great online group ( I live in the boonies).POS and there is a group for friends and other family( FFOS. My girls and I also do the Out of Darkness Walk sponsored by the AFSP.
I have found joy once again in the little things.4 new granddaughters and 2 daughter in laws. But we have had more losses as well.
The best I ask for each day is peace. The days leading up to dates are still difficult. But the pain has softened. When my life comes to an end the tapestry left behind with have black threads for the time and f his death followed by grays then by silver and gold. I promised I would show up for life everyday,and thus far I have kept that promise.