Celebrating Father’s Day without dad can be difficult for those who have lost a father to suicide. I still feel this sense of sadness when I visit the dreaded card aisle at our local pharmacy. As I pick out the cards for the fathers in my life, I am quickly reminded that there is one card I will not be purchasing. I have found this holiday to be particularly difficult. Not necessarily because my father is not here to celebrate, but because I am not able to be selfish. While I would love to do what I need to do to get through the day, I have to remind myself that today isn’t about me. It’s about all of the fathers’ in my life; my husband, my stepfather and my father-in-law. Becky and I have both discussed feeling conflicted, and wondered if there are others who feel the same way we do. We want to use today’s post as a memorial for all of the fathers who are no longer with us. We invite you to leave a comment in memory of your father. Write as little or as much as you need. Becky and I have left our own messages below. We are thinking of all of you who have lost a father today
Jessica’s Tribute to her Father:
“Keep Dancing.” It is how you ended every card, every letter, every note. Two words that never meant as much as they do today. A simple reminder to always move forward. To not doubt yourself, your capabilities or your strength. I carry this message with me everyday. In the face of adversity, I hear your voice in my head telling me to “Keep dancing.” It will forever be my connection to you. Thank you for believing in me, and never doubting my strength and capabilities. Today I will dance for you.
Becky’s Thoughts:
This is the first year there’s another “father” in my life (my husband) since we welcomed our baby daughter last fall. It felt so strange writing “Happy Father’s Day” on the front of a card to him because I haven’t really
had to acknowledge Father’s Day for the past few years. This day has become increasingly difficult with the prevalence of social media. Take a look at how Facebook greeted me this morning. What a loaded question… It’s very common for people to change their Facebook profile image to one with their dad or to post a picture of themselves celebrating with their dad that day. I used to do the same. Part of me hesitates to do that anymore because I wonder if it just makes people think, “oh that poor girl, I forgot her dad died that way.” I’m sure they don’t because they are focused on their own dad, but it makes me a bit self conscious nevertheless. Father’s Day was the second to last time I saw my dad alive, which is a bit difficult, but I will choose to remember the decades of wonderful celebrations we had that day.
Becky’s Tribute to her Dad:
You loved celebrating more than anything, and I can imagine you might be looking down and viewing this year as a “passing of the torch,” as we start our own new traditions. However, the lively spirit and laughter you brought to each day carries on with the memories you gave us. I had fun revisiting pictures of past Father’s Day get-togethers and other holidays and continue to be reminded of your “life of the party” persona. On Father’s Day 2010, we enjoyed an architectural cruise along the Chicago River and it seemed life couldn’t have been better. Oh, how I wish we could rewind to those happier times.
Jessica and Becky – – Such pain! Such love!
Sadly, the shallowness of most who post on social media is razor-sharp painful for those of us who are deep in grief.
The grief of my son’s suicide is so much more painful than the grief of my dad’s suicide. It’s weird to even think about quantifying it, but I am living proof that the intensity of the pain IS different. This Father’s Day, my primary thoughts weren’t about me and that my father passed away, choosing to end his life in 1982. My agony was rehashing the death of my son’s father when my son was just 16 years old, and that my son ended his life in 2009 at age 24.
This quote comes to mind – “And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” –Khalil Gibran
Holidays are a terrible time for those who are suffering and aren’t inclined to put on a Happy Face for our plastic society.
I noticed the Mayo Clinic has a new article dated April 10, 2015:
Suicide grief: Healing after a loved one’s suicide
Excerpt from page 2:
Be prepared for painful reminders. Anniversaries, holidays and other special occasions can be painful reminders of your loved one’s suicide. Don’t chide yourself for being sad or mournful. Instead, consider changing or suspending family traditions that are too painful to continue.##
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/suicide/art-20044900?pg=2