A struggle we all experience in the aftermath of our loved ones’ suicide is wondering if we could have done anything differently to change the outcome. What if I would have called my loved one that day? What if I would have stopped by? What if I would have helped them get the assistance they needed? What if, what if, what if?! We have all been there. Some still are, as they try and figure out where it all went wrong. Here is the problem with “What ifs…” there is NO way of knowing if the statement following the “what if” really would have changed the outcome.
I am a huge fan of the book, Dying to Be Free. I recommend it to all of the survivors that I see. If you haven’t read it, read it. There is an analogy in this book that continues to resonate with me. I will do my best to replicate it. If you take an empty glass and fill it drop by drop with water, how long would it take to overflow? A long time, right? In order for it to overflow, every single drop had to drip into the glass. It is easy to think that it was the last drop that made the water overflow. But in truth it wasn’t; it was every single drop that landed in the glass prior to the last one. Without each drop, the glass would not overflow. Death by suicide is like this glass of water. There wasn’t one moment that made our loved one complete the act. There were many. Trying to determine if one single action would have prevented the suicide is impossible. We do not know how many events occurred prior to lead up to their final act.
“What ifs” keep you stuck in the past. They redirect all of your focus from the present to the past. In a sense, I think you have to go through the “what ifs” in order to gain clarity in the present. We often have to visit each “what if” in order to acknowledge and accept that their suicide was not a result of anything we did or did not do. Suicide just doesn’t make sense. It is not something you worry about until you have experienced a loss by suicide. We worry about our family’s health, but rarely do we worry that they will take their lives. While we will never know THE why, we can put together our own why. If you find yourself drowning in the “what ifs” try and remember the glass analogy. Suicide truly isn’t about the last moment of their life; it is about the battle they fought years prior to that moment.
I completely understand the analogy and agree with it. My son was only 23. He and my oldest daughter were uprooted twice in their young lives because of MY two divorces. I remarried for the last time when he was 8 years old and am still married to that husband. I am trying to justify in my own mind though, what drops of water after the age of 8 until he joined the Marines in 2009 were. He was very happy all of the time. He loved his stepfather as his father. I know he was exposed to a lot of stress and disappointment in the service but we never really discussed specifics. Then after his deployment to Afghanistan in 2012, he really struggled. He was a broken man afterward. His entire belief system had been challenged. A baptized believer in God and the Trinity was now questioning how and why a merciful God would allow such terrible things to happen because of religious beliefs. And politics was another sore spot. He was only 23. And then as I read other people’s stories of losing their children to suicide at 6 or 8 or 10, I can’t fathom what drops of water at that age could possibly fill a glass. They haven’t had enough life experience to have struggled with something long enough to fill a glass to overflowing. Suicide just makes no sense….especially with the babies. My son could have experienced enough while growing up I suppose and definitely through his military life to feel like he wanted to die, but still; Why? Why? When there were so many people that loved him? And he knew I would have done ANYTHING to help him. ANYTHING. It is so hard to accept a logical explanation to such an emotional devastation when you can only speculate on what went wrong.
Hi Donna. We are so sorry for the loss of your son. I agree that it is often difficult to accept a logical explanation. Suicide, just doesn’t make sense. I often refer to it as “making sense of the senseless.” While I love the analogy of the dripping water, I do not think it holds true for extremely young suicides. The mind of a 6,8,10 year old is far from developed. One area of the brain that is the least developed, controls impulses. In a young suicide, I do not think the mug was slowly filled; instead I think it was filled extremely fast and often the suicide is a reaction to that. I also want to note that the drops fall into the cup at different speeds. For your son, maybe they fell quickly after his return to our country. From speaking to other vets I know that the return can be overwhelming. Like you said, religious belief are questioned, as well as the overall worth of the individual. Many vets come home thinking “why am I so special?” Why do those people have to live like that and I get to live like this? It can be overwhelming. While I can’t tell you the WHY, I hope that the words we have written and continue to write help you feel less alone on your grief journey.
Your website has been a Godsend for me, as well as utilizing other organizations.
My son touched so many lives in his short time with us on Earth. He was truly an Angel that walked among us. No matter who I talk to from whatever stage of his life; one word is universal in all of their memories of Johnny. Impact. He always had a positive, uplifting impact on their life.
I am so proud of him for being the caring, kind and loving person he was; and the amazing warrior of which I have been told.
I try each day to remember all the good he brought to this world and focus on the positive.
Thanks for being here for those of us that have lost very special people….not because they were ours…but because they were special to begin with.
Donna, we are so happy that our words have helped you feel less alone on your journey. We started this blog to do exactly that. As survivors we have felt as if nobody else understood the magnitude of our pain. We wanted others to know that there are people out there that understand that pain.
You are absolutely correct…they were special and lived a life that far exceeds their final minute. Hold on to those precious memories.