Fairly often, I find myself wondering what life would be like if my dad were still alive. It’s hard not to think about what could have been, though I know that’s a slippery slope.
I wonder how my dad would have liked being a grandfather. I wonder what memories would have come with him meeting my daughter for the first time or spending holidays together with a baby.
As I sit in a weekly music class with my daughter, I watch as another child attends with
both of his grandparents. Is that something my dad would have done? What family traditions and jokes would he have enjoyed passing down? There are so many children’s books that have a grandfather character – would he have liked reading them to her?
I remember when I was a child and he’d leave for work in the dark, early morning. I’d poke my head out the window and watch as my dad would get out of the car and make a big scene waving and blowing kisses my way. Would he have done that for her when leaving from a visit at our house?
What would he think of our new house in the city? Would he help with the maintenance questions we have? Would he have been able to help me with the lengthy list of tax and legal questions I had about starting a business?
Before he died, my husband and I told my dad he should join us for a trip in Napa. My father-in-law was planning to come with us. The trip took place just five months after he passed away and I couldn’t help but think about what a great experience that would have been (for me, at least).
With football season upon us, my dad was an integral part of our family fantasy football league – issuing his opponents friendly trash talk each week. There is a noticeable hole with his absence.
When my mind starts to go down this path, I think about this baggage that comes with suicide. I don’t think our loved ones realized we would be left with such a mountain of “what could have been’s?” when they made this decision. The perceived burden they thought they were eliminating from our lives really only just began when they left.
Yes I feel the same about my Grand Son!! He was a straight A student!! He Died from Suicide in Feb. of 2010. I have often wondered to what college or military branch we would have went into since his dad was retired Army. He died at 13 on Feb 7 and would have turned 14 on May the 7th. I wonder what he would be doing now? Would he have Children? How many? What kind of girl would he have picked to Marry?? My heart brakes when I go down that path so I try most of the time not to think of it, but sometimes you just can not help it!!
I agree, Eva. I try not to think about it because what good does it really do? But, it does cross the mind.
I also wonder what could have been. I lost my son September 12, 2014 to ptsd related suicide. As I am finding out more of what he experienced that caused and led up to his death; I wonder, knowing my son’s heart, if he would ever have had a happy existence again.
He did his job; thought with his head at the time. But his heart was still damaged by what he had been through, done and seen in combat. He never talked about it. I am finding things out a little at a time now that he has passed. I could see his inner struggle and could not help him.
So I guess I choose not to wonder what might have been. Because, deep down, I know it would have been worse for him. I miss him every minute of every day but can only take solace in the fact that he is no longer fighting the ghosts of combat.
I will love him forever and he will always be a “living” part of everything I do.
I really liked how you said he will always be a living part of you!
I was fortunate that my Dad got to meet two children. He died by suicide this year. I always think of how much he is missing out on them. He adored them and they adored him and miss him such. We had no indication at all he would do this. It’s so hard. Please feel free to message me if you’d like to chat x
Thank you for sharing about your family’s experience. It’s difficult some days to tell if it would be easier if he had met her or not.