What words comes to mind when you hear the phrase “survivor of suicide?” Until recently, I hadn’t given this question much thought. Even as I write this, I don’t know how I’d answer it. Yet, twice in the last month, someone has called me “brave” after I’ve shared my loss story and that honestly surprises me.
I’m an open-book person by nature. It’s a trait I inherited from my father. When something’s on my mind, it feels only right to talk about it (with whomever will listen!). I can recall many a phone or in-person conversation with my dad, during which we’d analyze and discuss all aspects of a situation – sometimes to a fault. This is why, when my dad died by suicide, I knew I needed a platform to talk about my experience and connect with others who’ve been in my shoes. Of course, I also hoped to reach those who have no idea what it’s like to go through a loss of this nature in hopes they never do. I’ve never considered the re-telling of my story to be brave; it’s just been “my story.” I can say with 100 percent certainty the women who called me brave meant it in the sincerest way, but one could argue being called brave unintentionally perpetuates the stigma for survivors of suicide. Is it assumed we’d remain quiet instead? In my case, my dad’s death was so public I wasn’t left with a choice. So, I’ve decided to “own” my role as a survivor. I don’t know any other way. When I hear “brave,” I think of war heroes, individuals fighting a terrible disease or civilians who’ve fought off would-be criminals or shooters to protect a stranger.
I think being a survivor of suicide means becoming more compassionate. We’re more in touch with the fragility of life. We understand that anyone on the street could have lost someone to suicide the way we did. Because of that, maybe we don’t get as frazzled by things like a slow driver or the wrong flavor in our coffee order. While others may see things like this and say, “OMG I wanna kill myself,” we know these are trivial matters.
Everyone handles grief and the loss of a loved one to suicide differently. I understand that I was “called” to share my story so that I could help people. Others were “called” to listen and hopefully find the support and comfort they were seeking instead. This is what’s so special about our connection to each other. Am I brave for being one of the open ones? I don’t think so. I’m just thankful for the chance to talk about things because it helps me cope. It’s what I need. If I can help people in the process, that’s a bonus.
Yes! I am also an open book. I process by talking…so there is really no other way for me to live my life. When people call me brave I always want to ask “what are my other choices?” What are the ‘not brave’ options? Die too? Go to bed and stay there? I found out bed sucked too. So not an option for me. I’d love to ask the next person who calls me brave to give me the multiple choice options for ways to respond to losing my child. There might be an option I haven’t thought of.
You are helping me and so many others! Thank you!