The single most life changing event that has happened in my life was my dad’s suicide. Grief changes us, and alters our path in life. While it introduced me to a new level of pain, a level that I never knew existed, it also helped me “clean out” my life. I realized who truly was a friend, and who was only there for the fun. 
I learned a great deal about myself. Not only the depths of my insecurities and fears, but also my own strength and purpose. Don’t get me wrong, there were some very ugly moments. Moments where you would find me covered in a blanket on the couch, unable to stop crying. Moments where I didn’t pick up the phone, or attend any social events. Moments when I questioned whether life would ever be ok again. In time what I came to see is the positive changes that this tragedy allowed me to make. It allowed me to love and appreciate myself. It encouraged me to not make excuses for the tears, and say “no” to the things in my life that didn’t add value. I learned that when I decided to stop focusing on the “what ifs” of the past, and began focusing on what I can do to live life again, I was able to live a life with more meaning.
Thanks for this. It’s been two months now since my dad committed suicide. Some days, I just don’t want to even see the world when other days I want to conquer all I can in honor of my dad. I think that learning to say no is the best thing one can ever learn – it starts to make life just 110% easier.
It certainly is a roller coaster, especially those first few months. Take care of yourself, and do what you need to do to heal. Sometimes, that involves a blanket over the head and uncontrollable tears. And yes, saying no to things that aren’t helpful for you will help you heal.
Thank you for this blog . I have been struggling with such emotions since my fathers suicide . We were so close. I ask myself every day how could this happen? This is something you hear about someone else . If I could just talk to home one last time if he would have answered my call would this still have happened . So much sadness . He knew this would upset us all and he was so kind and caring .
I completely understand your feelings. It’s been four years since I lost my dad and it still feels like yesterday. I also tried to get him to answer his phone when he took off and I often wonder if things would be different. My daddy was my hero and we had no idea how real his struggle was. We all feel like we failed him. I also lost a child as a baby so I know the sting of real grief but suicide takes you somewhere else. When it’s your parent the level of rejection experienced is so great. I felt like my love for him wasn’t enough…my kids love wasn’t enough either. Tough stuff. It really forces you to look at yourself. God bless you all xxoo