The lack of understanding after a loss by suicide often leaves survivors feeling alone in their pain. I remember people comparing the loss of my father to losses they experienced, all of which occurred naturally. 
Initially, I took them in stride but over time I began to resent them for thinking they understood the depth of my pain. I spent time and energy trying to make them understand, and when I was unable to do so, I began to isolate. I stopped talking to my inner circle, because I felt that it was pointless. It didn’t lead to a pretty place. Ten months after my father’s suicide I found myself in a pretty dark place. I was lucky enough to find a support group for survivor’s of a suicide loss where I connected with others who understood exactly what I was experiencing. Talking openly about his death helped pull me out of the darkness I found myself in. Looking back, I have learned that trying to make someone else understand does nothing. It is a battle you simply can’t win. How can they understand something they haven’t experienced? It goes back to the idea of managing our expectations for others. What I wish I would have done is spent less time trying to explain my pain, and more time telling others what I need. Rather it was a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or someone to help distract me, I wish I would have told them what I needed. Learn from me; don’t spend time trying to explain your pain. Instead, tell people what you really need in this moment.
Thank you for this. In a few more days it will be one year since my fathers suicide. I still isolate myself and cry way to much. But it’s not anything you “get over”. He was very loved and is missed every day.
This is not actually a reply. It was the only way I could write. 24 yes ago I was 3 months pregnant. My husband shot himself very soon I was diagnosed with PTSD and a bunch of auto immune disorders I still have. I did my best to raise my beautiful son. Prior to the suicide I nearly had a master’s degree. The next day I couldn’t read the comics. I went to tons and tons of excellent therapy. Dbt was the only thing that helped some. For me there was no real way to talk to anyone about it. Friends except for one dear one ALL disappeared. There was one support group but they were all older people. I thought I was getting better then I was fired my son has problems. As an only child I only had trouble being alone after Jim died. Suddenly the PTSD is back worse than in years and I feel soooo incredibly alone and the so-called PTSD Pris here have not a Single clue. I am working but I once again feel misunderstood and sooooo alone abandoned.
Asking people for what we truly need is not easy, but absolutely necessary. Some of us HATE asking for help. One day, recently, I asked my oldest son for a MAN HUG because I hadn’t had a real man hug for a very long time. You know that big bear hug you get from your spouse or father? That’s what I wanted. So, I asked and it felt so good. I miss the way my husband held me. Sometimes it’s just simple things we ask for but those things can bring us joy that will last a while. Just ask your inner circle for the help you need and want. Very important message, Jessica. Thank you.
I miss my husband so much and I feel so alone. I have met others who have lost spouses and we connect and share but the depth of this sorrow is at times unbearable. I just want to escape the pain and there is no way to do so. It’s been over two years and I’m still suffering deeply. I am living in the house where my husband shot himself and I found him. It is also the home that we raised our two daughters in. We were married for 33 yrs and I feel so abandoned and so lost. When I think about moving it is overwhelming. I’m afraid if I stay I am causing more suffering but if I leave will it be worth it and will it help? I wish I knew some of these answers. I’ve been waking up inundated with memories of my life before his suicide. I have pictures in my mind of the last few weeks we had together. I will never understand his choice. We were in love. We had a family. I wish I knew why he couldn’t reach out and ask for help.
Sue – our stories are identical. I too am living in the house where my husband of 32 years shot himself, and I found him as well. I have been lucky enough to have found a suicide spouse support group, but between the 15 or so members, I am the only person still in the original house. I keep getting asked when I am moving…but my entire adult life has taken place in this house. We raised our 3 kids here, and it has a lot of really good memories – but sometimes they are overshadowed by the very last day of my husband’s life.
I feel your pain – and we will most likely never get the answers that would ease our minds. I hope you have surrounded yourself with some wonderful people who can hold you up until you’re strong enough to do it on your own, I never liked the phrase ‘one day at a time’, but it’s never been truer, at least for me. I hope today is a good day for you.
Day 39 of waking up without my son; he was 18 and the pain is excruciating. It’s so hard to not be able to explain how I feel….. Each second of every hour my emotions change.