Leaning into the pain after a suicide loss is not easy to do. We find ourselves in a place we have never been before. The world around us suddenly feels unfamiliar. The people around us seem like strangers. 
After the shock wears off, and the distractions end, we find ourselves experiencing a new kind of pain. A pain that has more intensity than anything we have felt before. It is uncomfortable, it is unfamiliar, and it is scary. Our first instinct can be to run; to distract ourselves so we don’t have to feel the pain. Why would anyone want to feel the pain? The distractions work for awhile, but what I have found is that the pain always catches up to us. It doesn’t matter where we are, or what we are doing; the pain catches up. It might be weeks later, months later, or even years later, but the pain always catches up. On my own grief journey I have found that the only way to decrease the pain, is to feel it. I needed to lean into it, not run from it. It wasn’t easy, but this was the only way the get through it. So, if you find yourself running, know that I understand. This type of pain is not easy to feel. But to get to the other side, and I promise there is one, we have to lean into the pain.
Thanks Jessica. It has been 25 months since my son left and I have felt the pain everyday, more so at first. The pain is still there but not as numbing as the first few months. I still cry and find crying actually helps release the pain.
We are so sorry for your loss. It certainly takes time to not only allow ourselves to feel the pain, but have the strength to. I think I will always cry. It just becomes much less frequent. And it absolutely helps release the pain!
I very much appreciated this article today. From my own experience I found that leaning into the pain was scary and terribly sad at first but after so much “leaning” things began to be more tolerable. Thank you for the continued beneficial posts.
SO happy that our posts are beneficial to you during such a difficult time.
I’m coming up to my 11th monthof losing my 15 yr old daughter. I’ve ran to New Hampshire, then to the hospital for a few days, outpatient for 2 months (which helped so much) and just recently ran to Puerto Rico for 2 weeks. Those 2 weeks were so calming and peaceful. I felt so much better there. I swear, withing the 1st few hours of being home, it caught me. All i think about is going somewhere else.
I accept what happened and have made peace with my baby. I understand her pain..to an extent. I believe hers was so much more than mine now. But still, I think i have to run every few wks or I won’t make it. Does that make sense?
Yes, this makes sense. Sometimes the reality of our lives can be too much. Set realistic expectations for yourself, as it has only been 11 months. That isn’t a long time at all. Often society and those around us expect us to move forward in a timeframe that is simply not realistic.
Fortunately, I haven’t had the burden of being pressured to “move on”. I guess I’m in the fight or flight situation. I’ve never ran away from the dramas of my life. This, this is something I feel the need to run from on occasion. If not, I don’t feel I’d make it. I have a 5 yr old depending on me and he’s probably the only thing keeping me from running so far away where nobody can find me.
Thanks for the response. I’m doing better than most, per my therapists and doctors.
Thank you so much for this article. I lost my son a month ago and the pain at times is so hard I can’t breath. I have notice if I just feel the pain it does help and there are times now where it feels “better” after a good cry.
I lost my husband 2 months ago ,just 2 months after my Dad decided to end dialysis and I cared for him while he died,I still blame myself for both deaths sometimes I don’t think I can go on,I’m so lost and alone and the pain is consuming
Forgive my ignorance, I am not sure I fully grasp the saying “lean into the pain”. What do you mean?
I lost my father < 1month ago to suicide. Everyday I feel pain, and with my father in-law in his final days with cancer, my emotions are at a very high level, I cry everyday. I have plenty of people offering to help but I have no idea what help I need, so I just continue on.
Hi Amanda-
First off, we are so sorry for your loss. You do not sound ignorant at all. You just experienced a tragic loss. Right now the term “leaning into the pain” shouldn’t make sense. I truly believe this is more for someone who is further out in their grief. For example, I didn’t start “leaning” until the 10 month mark. Right now, your brain is just trying to make sense of what happened. All you should do right now is take care of yourself. The real grief work starts further down the road. Now is the time to be gentle and kind to yourself.