There are a number of questions that emerge when a loved one dies by suicide. One question that consistently plagued my mind was, “How could my father have ever become so miserable that his only option was death?” When this became the center of my focus, I was plagued with fear. I began to question every decision I had made up until that earth shattering moment. The life that appeared so perfect, and the decisions that seemed to be right, no longer provided me with the same optimistic and positive outlook. When your life is fueled by fear, rational decisions no longer present themselves. My fear led to isolation, as I began to push everyone and everything away. If nobody was near me, nobody else could hurt me. And while this is true, being alone in your grief is a very lonely place to be. While I maintained all relationships, I held everyone at a distance for a couple of reasons: First, I felt that the people who loved me before the incident couldn’t possibly understand or like the person I had become. Second, I now feared that these people would eventually lead me to the same hole of despair that my father found himself in when he decided to take his life. I not only did this with my loved ones, but with everything in my life. My career change no longer appeared to be a good idea, my job no longer made me happy, and the life I lived here in Chicago no longer appeared to be enough. Something had to change.
When I say, “something had to change,” I am referring to myself. I look back at these moments, and realize that I was not open to change but resistant to it. I was completely terrified that the event that occurred on December 27th, 2011 would change the direction of my life. It’s as if I felt that my destiny was now altered by my father’s actions. It took awhile for me to become aware of my fear of change, and I will say that it left me in a very lonely place. As a survivor of a suicide loss, I have found that others have experienced this same resistance to change. I am in a completely different place than I was the year my father took his life. While I would give anything to have my father back, I have now accepted that this is not possible. I know that my life will never be like it was prior to his death. However, I have been given an opportunity to help others in their grief through my own declaration of experiences. This is my new path.
This is a truly inspiring piece and so many survivors could benefit from reading it! Thank you for your courage!
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As always, it was beautifully written, Jessica.
Thank you Jessica,
My 24 year old granddaughter Hanna took her life almost 2 years ago and I still struggle trying to make sense of this. I have been helped by a group of suicided survivors! Now I’m trying to give back! Thank you for your encouragement ! K
Great read…I am forever changed after the loss of my dad. I lost him on December 21, 2011 so I always seem to relate to your perspective and articles.
Jessica, I agree with what you wrote. My life was forever changed when my brother took his life March 13, 2008. I know this is my journey as I am not in the place you are at yet. It still haunts me. What could I have done, as I was the only closed relative in the same state. Guilt is the hardest. I was here and didn’t check in with him after not hearing from him for 2 months.
Change is hard and I’ve had many challenges with all sort of issues since then. I am not the same person I once was before he decided to take his life for good. He had tried before.
I miss him all the time. I see him when I look in the mirror. My other brother has seemed to get past it and have inner peace. I can’t talk to him about it. My mother is a basket case. I can’t to her either. Thankfully I have other support systems. Except when I block them out. Like yesterday. I decided to come back to life and communicate. They were worried about me. And that day I didn’t give a damn.
Still walking the journey. One day at a time
All you can do is continue walking, and take it one day at a time. I know it is not the easiest path to walk!
My husband commuted suicide August 22, 2009. I am not the same person I was before his death. I don’t think anyone can be the same person they were before a loved ones suicide. I’ve had to change. I’ve had to learn how to navigate being a single parent, learn to trust myself and believe in myself. It’s very difficult. Sometimes I flounder and other times I thrive. It’s a process. I miss the person I used to be, and sometimes I’m amazed at the person I’ve become. This is my journey. This is my story. It’s not one I ever wanted or even imagined having, but it is mine.