Survivors of a suicide loss are susceptible to “grief attacks,” when the emotional impact of a loved one’s death strikes without warning. I experienced these commonly in the early weeks, months and years following my dad’s death. Some days, they were prompted by a song playing on the radio while I drove in the car. Other days, it was the stark realization he is gone forever. Now that I am five years out, I find that my emotional reactions to his suicide don’t hit me quite as hard but instead tend to stir up uncomfortable feelings (that I can usually hide in public).
Within the past few weeks, I’ve noticed a couple examples of this. On Facebook, a friend posted a photo of her and her dad in recognition of his birthday and included a comment that said, “thank you for always being there for me.” Reading that really affected me because it made me realize that my dad chose NOT to be there for me. Aren’t dads (and family members in general) supposed to be there for you? I felt a bit deflated after that. It’s interesting how seeing that particular innocent phrase pointed out such a deficit in my life. Despite his reassurances to me early in life that family is the strongest bond and all we have in this life, he left us behind.
Similarly, I attended a wedding and listened fondly as the bride’s father gave a speech during the reception. He became emotional when describing the moment his daughter was born and how it was the happiest day of his life. This, of course, led me to try and hold back tears. I couldn’t help but think my dad probably felt something similar. At one point in his life, he was overcome with joy and happiness about me being a part of his life and being a father. But, somehow that got twisted into an overwhelming sense of sadness and depression. I wasn’t enough? That happiness about what he had and being a father wasn’t enough anymore? That’s hard to think about. Something else was much more powerful.
Other times, I feel angry. This emotion usually doesn’t even need a “trigger.” It will just occur to me he is gone or unable to help me through something anymore in a dadly way and it really pi&%#@ me off. I still need him. I wasn’t done learning. Why didn’t he work harder to find a better way out of this for us? Why didn’t he think about the fact we’d still be dealing with this five (and more) years later?
Needless to say, there’s a rollercoaster of emotional episodes survivors face after a loss and there’s no time limit to when they will end. I now know to just buckle my seatbelt and work through my emotions as they do arise.
I understand, it has been 12 years for me. I still struggle everyday with questions, self doubt, overwhelming saddness and why? Why would my father do this to himself and us. His 2 daughters and 3 grandsons!!!! I wish I could prevent someone from this choice and help them to understand there’s nothing wrong with their feelings and thoughts…to Please give life one more day.