Innuendos are everywhere. Like most things in life, we become sensitive to innuendos after we personally experience the pain that they cause. I know in my past I have used phrases like, “I want to kill myself” or made a gun with my hand and put it against my head. I didn’t think twice about how they would impact someone who had lost a loved one to suicide. To me, they were harmless. Then I lost my dad to suicide, and innuendos appeared everywhere.
It is exhausting trying to change the world isn’t it? While I would like to say that I stand up to anyone and everyone that uses suicide innuendos, the truth is I don’t. I tried for awhile and it was exhausting. I found myself telling my story to everyone. Which then led to a great deal of discomfort and the feeling of being completely exposed. It just wasn’t worth the battle. Sometimes you just have to put your sword down.
So how do I choose who to say something to? I have no problem telling a close friend or relative how I feel. One of my best friends sent me a text the other day, with a picture of a gun and a little “shocked” face. She knows my story; she knows my pain. Her intention was not to hurt me. Like the Jessica before my dad’s loss, she just didn’t think. I did not get angry with her. I did not lash out. I simply asked her not to send me those emojis, reminding her that it is hard to see. She felt awful of course. I explained that my intention was to educate her, not make her feel terrible. She was grateful that I spoke up, and now talks about how she herself has asked someone not to use suicide innuendos. I have a few stories like this one. I also have many more stories where I just let it go.
When this picture appeared in my FaceBook feed, I cringed. It is an ad for a local salon. A very popular local salon that many follow and frequent. Do I say something? No. Too many people will see. I will appear overly sensitive. So, I let it go. Then it kept appearing, and I continued to cringe each time. I had to say something. I did not accuse, or display anger. I simply noted what this picture appears to represent. They did not respond, but I have yet to see the ad again. I consider that a win.
I have had a number of survivors tell me that they struggle with deciding when to say something and when to just let it go. I know we all share in the passion to eradicate suicide innuendos. While we should say something, pick your battles. For your own sanity. And remember, changing one person IS how we change the world.
I was binge-watching a show on Netflix over the weekend. In one of the episodes, quite out of nowhere, one of the characters takes a shotgun to his head. It happened so fast but also slowly as the picture flashed before my eyes. And I cringed.
I see it in the media so causally at times. And it almost always takes me back to reading the vivid police report on my dad’s suicide. I too don’t want to feel so sensitive. Because it’s always the wound that’s almost healed and then the scab is scratched off again. And again I feel this buzzing in the back of my head.
This just happened to me as well! Were you watching “The Fall” by chance?
It was The Magicians.
“I too don’t want to feel too sensitive…” Aiye. It was the “too” that caught my eye. Who judges what is “too?” That is your Right and Privilege. Use it, please. You never know who else is in the shadows just as you were -and you may not ever know: Just know you’re “too” is someone else’s, K? In fact it may be a bunch of “someones.”
A thought: If you knew for sure your response was someone else’s what would you do? Know for sure it is.
We share a whole lot of stuff starting with our humanity and our experiences.
What it seems to me we back away from isn’t so much reality as our own gutted self-confidence.
Guess how we developed some?!
Seriously needed to see this. I lost my best friend to suicide two years ago and i cringe when i hear people say “this math test is making me want to kill myself.” Or “school just makes me want to die.” I often feel exhausted too telling people over and over again my story. It’s nice to know I’m not alone and thag it’s okay to just breathe and let it go.