Guest blogger Kimberly lost her son Tom to suicide in March 2015 and returns with a second post about how her family chose to honor his memory in their home.
“The Toffice”
Soon after we lost Tom, I started organizing the things in his room to pull out what I wanted to keep and what I would pack up to go to storage. Part of me was hopeful I would find more hints about what led to his death, but I did not find anything enlightening, which in a way was kind of a relief. If there had been something there, it would have been impossible to forgive myself for not finding it when he was alive.
I am glad I went through everything early on rather than waiting. I am pretty sure the longer I
would have waited, the more difficult it would have been for me, and I would have ended up with a room which was more a shrine to his memory than usable space. His bed and most of his personal items went to storage, but we kept out some special items. In the closet, there are just a few pieces of his clothing, which still smell like him, and the guitar his stepfather, L.J., and I bought him for Christmas. Some of his tchotchkes are on the shelves including a stuffed white Pat the Bunny I decorated with red spots when he had a viral infection which did the same to his skin, a stuffed flying monkey from the day we saw Wicked together, and some special stuffed animals he bought me over the years for Mother’s Day, Christmas, my birthday, and when he travelled to Disneyland with his father. His last school picture, his fedora and a funny note he wrote in my drama class sit on one of the shelves next to his ashes, along with a battery operated candle with a yellow ribbon which turns on for a few hours each night. So there are nods to him without his presence overwhelming the space.
L.J. and I talked about how best to use this newly open space in our home. We decided to turn the room into a place for my desk. The boys and I used to share the family room for all three of our computer desks, and when Tim left for college, it was just Tom and me using that room each afternoon. He would do his homework, and I would work on my contract work. I can remember making work video calls and Tom waving to people over my shoulder and all of us laughing out loud about it. So when Tom passed, the family room felt empty with both of them gone. Using Tom’s room as a workspace seemed like a reasonable decision. We rearranged Tom’s bookcases and moved my desk in there. We painted the walls a soft beige and although the flooring still needs work, I am now using the space almost daily.
Figuring out what to call the room has been a struggle. It feels wrong to call it “my office” after being Tom’s room for more than 16 years. But logically, in his absence, it no longer functions as his room. So for months now we have been referring to it by both names, trying to figure out what feels right. When I call it “my office,” it feels empty and like I have cut him out of the history of the room. But when I call it “Tom’s room,” it seems like I am refusing to move forward. Although this seems like such a small issue in the big picture of life, it has been heavy on my heart for quite some time.
A few days ago, I referred to it as “The Toffice.” I think it came out that way by accident, a combination of “Tom’s room” and “the office,” magically merged by my brain and tumbling out without thought. But as soon as I said it, it felt right. Because the room will always be where we laughed and cried together, had our serious talks, where his dad and I read to him at night, and where I fell asleep with him after singing him to sleep. (Fly Me to the Moon was his favorite.) So it only seems appropriate we do not completely remove him from the room’s identity. And when I am in there, I cannot help think of him and the joy he brought me. A day does not go by that I do not think of him a hundred times. And when I am in “The Toffice” working, I feel a little lighter and a little closer to him.
Copyright 2015 Kimberly Starr
About the Author
Kimberly A. Starr earned a Bachelor’s of Arts in Theatre from Whitman College and a Masters in Theatre Production from Central Washington University. She teaches Theatre Arts at Yakima Valley College and Prosser High School as well as owning StarrBright Consulting, a performance coaching business. After her son Thomas died by suicide in March 2015, she started writing as a way to process the events and her feelings. She is married to L.J. Da Corsi and is mother to Timothy and Thomas.
I lost my 18 year old son, Tommy, in April 2015. He lived with his dad after our divorce but came to live with me the last 6 months of his life. Although his room is now used for my granddaughter, I still refer to it as Tommy’s room. His hoodies still hang in the closet and the top shelf still has some of his things on it.
His friends went in his room the day after and found his journals which gave us a very clear indication of what he was thinking and why he killed himself. Most of the writings were from when he lived with his dad. I so wish I had known what he was thinking and feeling. His death was a shock to all of us, even his closest friends. We had no idea he was that depressed.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I had the same issues when my son, Sam suicided. When I was strong enough I, with the help of others, sorted and packed away his belongings. Nothing was thrown away, I to kept out a few things, a t shirt, a hoodie. Then his room was painted and a new bed purchased. It is hard not to call it Sam’s room much less than to think of as anything else.
I wanted still to have some things in there of his, so his sneakers are on the floor, a small gallery of pictures of him, and a couple of shadow boxes filled with some of his matchbox cars he played with when he was small. He was very fond of mending cars as he got older.
We try with all our might to call it ‘the green room’ but it really is and always will be Sam’s room.
It is a very comfortable room and guests who have slept in there have found it very pleasant.
I love how you call it the Tofice that’s so awesome ! My son Deven also died by suiside and I can relate to the thinking of him a 100 times a day or more it’s funny that some days it feels so wierd it even happened!!! it’s been 1 1/2 year he was 22 , I still have his clothes in boxes and his sweat shirts hanging in my closet , probably always will we bring up good memories time to time ! How do you deal with your holidays ? I have two other sons
That are struggling with the loss of their
Brother , thanks for sharing your story I needed to read it !
Dear Kim and LJ….I’m so sorry I never knew until I just read your blog.I can not even express myself to tell you both how sorry I am but mostly to say that suicide and depression is such a horrific disease its an uphill battle for me daily the depression along with anxiety and what I have learned from this is to talk to ppl and not to be ashamed of this disease and there is help out there. Your Tom sounds like a admirable young man and “You” I just want to cry how you express yourself and go on with life and how strong willed and aspiring you are especially with your writing… you write right from your HEART Your son is very proud of you and he will always be around Tofice chuckling about the name and it for you making is room warm and bright instead of a shrine….I Love You both…Lori Monroe…and thank you for sharing and looking so forward to reading more
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My daughter Madison took her life 5 months ago. We redid her room and turned it into an office too but it still doesn’t feel right. Next month we are moving. I have two other children and they wanted a fresh start so we will be moving into a new house across town. We are trying to find a new normal but the loss is so great, it’s hard not to be swallowed up with grief.
My 12 year old son watched his father shoot and kill himself 2 weeks ago. He thinks it’s his fault and he could have saved his dad. He also has horrific images in his head from the incident. I’m still in shock and am beyond worried about my son. My ex battled with addiction and depression his whole life due to abuse/molestation and losing his father at 10 years old.
My father committed suicide when I was a teen but I didn’t see it nor was I close to him so it didn’t effect me the way my son’s dad’s suicide has and will..
I’m at a complete loss what to do….
We are so sorry for all you and your family have been through, Nicole. The AFSP has a new guide for working and talking with children about suicide loss and trauma. https://afsp.org/wp-content/flipbooks/childrenteenssuicideloss/?page=1 It would also be beneficial for him to see a grief therapist and possibly pursue EMDR, which a therapist can talk you through. We have also found comfort in attending support groups.