Guilt is a topic covered on our blog quite often. It is one of the most difficult pieces to work through on your grief journey. 
Releasing yourself from the weight of guilt takes time. For me, it was the most difficult part to release. Letting go of the guilt felt like I was letting go of my father. After allowing it to weigh me down for far to long, I had to ask myself, “What is this doing for me?” Nothing. At least, nothing positive. Feeling guilty about not being able to prevent my father’s suicide won’t bring him back. It won’t change the past, or rewrite history. Are there things I would have done differently? Absolutely. But, I did the best that I could do at the time. I didn’t know what I know now. Just as guilt won’t change the past, having anxiety won’t change the future. Learning to stay present in the here and now is all we can do. I am aware of how difficult this can be. It takes time to learn how to be present. It takes practice, and it takes commitment. It is something you have to practice every single day. For me it came down to wanting to figure how to enjoy today. How to enjoy the people who still surround me, and bring me joy. Most importantly, it had to be the right time. I had to live in the past for awhile. I had to live there to acknowledge that the past has been written; it can’t be changed. And now and then I have to feel anxiety for my future. It helps me stay present in the moment knowing that the decisions I make today will impact my future. Remember, it’s a journey. A lifelong journey.
I too carry guilt. My son, Andy, brought it up in a conversation, I told him that I understood as I was suicidal in my own past. I told him about that, but more importantly I expressed how he couldn’t check out. He was surrounded by people that loved and needed him. Two months later, he hanged himself. That was 2 1/2 yrs ago. I miss him beyond words.
Thank you for this. I am dealing with this after my Granny shot herself. I found her exactly a week before,Thanksgiving Day, laying on the floor and not making much sense. I believe she had tried to OD on pills that day. She gave me papers which had a note saying she no longer wanted to live. I have never been in this situation and didn’t know what to do. After calling my dad to her house, we got her fed and in bed, then showed him the note. He told me not to tell my mom because she dealt with a suicidal brother two years before. We thought we could get her better and she was sounding better, but the depression medications took over her mind. I feel the guilt of not doing more or telling my mom. I feel like I neglected her and played a part in causing the family so much pain, especially my mom because she found her on the floor. I know I will struggle with this for a while and can’t fix myself in a day or two.
I have felt guilt every since my fiance shot himself, (with me right there) last July. There should have been SOMETHING I could have done, or, if only I would have said this or that, or just left too go for a ride or something. We weren’t arguing, but he did seem different that night. People have told me he would have done it anyway, that there was nothing I could have done. When they have their minds made up, they are going through with it. I know the hurt, guilt, and questions you have every day. It gets better, it doesn’t go away. Cry whenever you need to. That is a way of letting go of your grief. Prayers and hugs your way honey.
Brittany, I’m so sorry. Suicide has changed who I am forever. Most days I now get thru, some days are harder than others. There are so many of us dealing with this everyday. I’m sending you a hug, please take care of yourself as grannie would want that. Therese