We often talk about the pain associated with the past after losing a loved one to suicide. Regrets about not doing things differently can be consuming in the aftermath of a tragic 
loss. What we fail to discuss is the pain experienced when we are forced to accept what will never be. Whether you are conscious of it or not, we are constantly making plans for the future. We look at our children and imagine who they will one day become. We never expect for our sibling to not be present at major life events. We expect our parents to be next to us, guiding us through life’s challenges. When we commit ourselves to another, we have already imagined growing old with them. When we lose someone to suicide, the images of the future are suddenly washed away. While life is far from predictable, in our minds we have already created what we think will be our future. In an instant what looked like a path ahead, is nothing more than an open field. Part of the grief journey is deciding where our path will begin. Roads are not built overnight; our new paths aren’t either. Acknowledge that in addition to grieving the person you lost, you are grieving what will never be. There is still beauty in the future….it just takes a little time to rebuild it.
This is exactly spot on as I lost my only son I know there’ll never be any grandchildren there’ll never be any in-laws that part sucks the most
I never thought of it that way. It feels silly now to not realize I am also grieving a lost future. Thank you for your moving words and perspective.
I found this site about 3 months ago and have never responded before but always read with interest and often empathy after loosing my son age 23 to suicide 18 months ago, this post on the loss of a future really chimed with me. None of us had any inking that Ben would die such a death, we had no warning signs, no evidence of mental heath problems or depression. It was just a moment of madness an impulsive act that there was no way back from. But he has left me mourning a future lost. I am very close to my brothers and have loved growing up with their support and love and I grieve mostly for what my 18 year old son will miss out on. He has no siblings to accompany him through his life, no brother to help him or to share life`s ups and downs with. It breaks my heart that a moment of madness could leave such devastation and a life difficult to find meaning in.
Yes, so many never…,never see my sons ” old man hands”…never see him smile, again, grow old, build his family, him take care of my needs as I age..navagate his life… never.
I too am relatively new to this site but read every post. Ive never responded before though I’ve written several times. I lost my mother recently. She was my best friend. This post and all the comments… So very very true. So much pain. So much sorrow. I just miss her so much. This message board is appreciated very deeply. How to make sense of this? How to see a way forward now… I can’t believe I wont have her in my future. I just can’t believe this has happened. There aren’t words from my end. Deep gratitude for being able to read I’m not alone in my feelings. It’s grief I never could have imagined. Thank you to everyone who reads, shares and I am so sorry you are hurting too.
Stephanie,
Your post resonates with me. I lost my sister to suicide 4 months ago. I am married, have children and grandchildren but my sister was my “unconditional support”, my childhood, my everything and I thought our future “grow old together”. She was more than my best friend, she was a part of me that identified “who” I was. I can’t imagine my future without her. I am a bit lost without her and I don’t want this future without her.
Know you are not alone. I know I am not either but I just don’t know how to navigate my life without her.
Losing the future has been the toughest journey of all. No wedding no sin in law no babies and most of her friends have left us as well. It is devastating and now that her dog is old and diabetic new heartbreak
I think there is a lot of truth to this. I lost my dad to suicide when I was 17, I was a junior in high school and anytime that something major is coming up in my life I always wonder what would this have been like to share these accomplishments with him. He missed my prom, HS graduation, Army boot camp graduation, getting married, graduating from college, and it pains me to know that he will never get to meet his grandkids. Even if he wasn’t always the best dad, I know he would have been an awesome grandfather.
Thank you for writing such an poignant piece of what survivors go through! I really love this blog/website, it helps to not feel alone in this eternal grieving process.
I’m sad for all of you. I’ve lost a niece & a nephew too. This truly is a part of grief that I have felt but couldn’t put it into words. Thank you for sharing.
There is so much truth to this. I can remember the goods times we had but the only thing I can think about the future is that he won’t be in it. I lost my son to suicide in October 2014. He was 20. He left behind 7 siblings (4 from me and 3 from his dad). He left behind a son who is now 3. My daughter is so heartbroken that her closest brother will not see her graduate, marry, become a mother. All of the hopes we had for his life died with him. I am raising his son. Every milestone in his life will be a little less meaningful because his daddy isn’t here to be a part of it. That is an ache in my soul that can never be consoled.