A Reason to Celebrate
As Mother’s Day approaches, I can hear my negative self-talk surrounding his death becoming louder, and I struggle to make sense of celebrating the day when it feels so closely tied to what I perceive as my greatest failure. Yet, when Tom died, many shared with me stories of his kindness and service – inviting a bullied student to join him for lunch, helping a teacher clean up her room every day at the end of the school day without being asked, buying a pop for a friend and sitting under a tree and chatting, just to name a few. In his last year of life, he bottle-fed three kittens with tenderness and patience unexpected from a 15-year-old. Many have shared with me how his humor, thoughtfulness, and listening skills provided light in their lives. So in his life, he lived with compassion for others, which means I must have done something right. (Not to take full credit, of course, as Tom was surrounded by family members who loved him and helped raise him.)
Kimberly
As I look towards this second Mother’s Day without Tom, I dread what the day will bring. Even though our surviving son, Tim, will acknowledge the occasion in his own way, it will not be enough, because my mini-me is no longer a tangible presence in my life. How sad for both of us that this day feels forever changed and is no longer a day of celebration but a day of regret and pain. So I must choose to look at Mother’s Day in a different way as I move forward.
Excellent, excellent blog post by Ms. Starr. “As Mother’s Day approaches, I can hear my negative self-talk surrounding his death becoming louder, and I struggle to make sense of celebrating the day when it feels so closely tied to what I perceive as my greatest failure. ”
That is EXACTLY how I feel. This will be the 3rd Mother’s Day without my son. This is the one day that I completely avoid the public, and anyone & everyone not living in my home. This, of all holidays & occasions, is the one that stings the most.
It is nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.
My daughter completed suicide this past February. From the bottom of my heart thank you for this article. I have not slept for almost a week and feel like my anxiety and grief is backsliding because of the upcoming day. This post helps…..tremendously 💜
This will be my first Mother’s Day since my 15 year old son, Ethan, took his life. I guess I can take some comfort in the fact that he chose Father’s Day, not Mother’s Day, to end his life, but it isn’t much comfort. Something that has kept me going each day has been that my role as Ethan’s mom has changed slightly. I no longer have the job of guiding and shaping him and his future. But it was always about celebrating his life and the impact he had on others and that is still true today. To all of the mothers out there this coming Sunday who have lost a child, my heart is with you. Don’t shy away from this day (although I have thought about doing just that myself), but instead celebrate the beauty of your child and that special bond that will never break.
Thank you for this post. I have been a wreck with the thought of my first Mother’s Day since my beloved son Matt took his life at the age of 28. I too feel like I failed the most important job of my life, that being to raise a son who could love himself enough to want to live and fight for his mental health. I will forever feel as though I failed him.
My feelings also Ann. This will be my third MD without my son Nathan.
Enduring this pain is beyond words. My son and daughter try very lovingly to include Nathan in our celebrations for this day but they know a limb from our family tree is missing and my eyes and heart are always searching for my first child
I wish you love and peace for this day. Remember what a gentleman and great son Matt was to you these are the things that shaped our sons not the issues that caused us to loose our boys to this insidious epidemic
Thank you Kimberly for sharing your thoughts about your journey. This will be my second Mother’s day since Justin took his life on 5/5/16. I feel as numb , empty and lost as from what I remember from last mothers day. It is just another day of celebration that I want to erase from the calendar but I have to remind myself I have another son. I have some great memories, stories about the positive things in Justin’s life but the negative things overrun the good. I do hope one day I can replace the negatives-nightmares of what I heard, smell, saw with positives as I travel on this challenging, horrendous journey.
My Grant took his life at age 17 in 2008. This is my 8th Mother’s Day without him. I don’t celebrate at all. My daughter is traveling out of the country, and it is a relief that I don’t have to put on the fake smile this year for her sake.
Thank you! Today is 2 months since I lost my Colton to suicide. He was 25. Colton was also a kind and loving young man. After his passing, I heard from so many people whose lives were impacted by Colton’s love and kindness. It does my shattered heart good. I will celebrate his life this Mother’s Day.
This is my second since my Elena took her and I want to be left utterly alone or maybe at the cemetery who knows. The one thing is I have learned is the leading up to it is sometimes not as bad. Who am I kidding. Lot’s of Love to all of us on this journey.
The Day She Left Oct/16/2015
today is 1 month since my youngest daughter Danielle went home with God,she was 27 i went to wake her up and she was gone,she died in her sleep ,she had lupus since she was 17 and this past christmas went into kidney failure she was a dialysis patient and was on a transplant list ,i am sad that i have to live in a world without Danielle but God has given me his peace that surpasses all understanding i know she is happy and at peace,will be going to my 1st meeting to griefshare in my area,i pray all parents that have lost a child will find peace till we see our children again what a joyous day that will be,in the meantime be kind to yourselves .
My 33 yr. old son died by suicide two months ago. I have two surviving daughters. I have opted to “sit out” this Mother’s Day. I purchased cards for the girls, but I plan to stay home. Anyone who wants to visit is welcome, but there will be no brunches in public places. I am so, so sad. I hope all of you find a way to get thru the day. I will be thinking of all of you.
I am expecting this to be the worst Mother’s Day ever. My brother completed suicide 2 months ago. Is there anything I can say/do to our mom to ease her pain?
Hi Adam.
I am sorry for your family’s loss. I too lost my son to suicide this March 2017. I can only tell you what I want as a mother whose grief is so fresh. I want a quiet mother’s day. I want to go at my own pace that day. I would like my two surviving daughters by my side. I want us to try to remember my poor boy, their brother, in happier times. That is about all I can stand to do. It will be a hard day for your mom, but you are a good boy for seeking assistance to ease her pain. Just knowing she has you and that you are there for her will be the best mother’s day gift you will ever give her.
Adam I am sorry for your loss. Being there for your mum just loving her as you do. We do not love our other children any less for what has happened
The turmoil and grief is so raw.
My children include my son Nathan in all our celebrations as in signing his name on cards ♥️
This is a relief to me also a comforting feeling knowing that Nath is always included in our family celebrations.
Hugs 🤗 are still our most needed medicine….
your mum will always be grateful for these
I’m reading this while wondering how to approach my MIL 6 years after her son completed his suicide. She has me, 2 blood daughters, and grandchildren who adore her. It wasn’t until I spoke to my FIL today that it made sense. None of us can fill the whole where her son used to be. Period. And that’s ok. Her love for him isn’t going to convert to us and it shouldn’t. The roar of the deafening negative thoughts this week must be unbearable. Today for the first time I can say, I get it and I’m sorry.
This is my first Mother’s Day without my son/only child, Katrence. He was 23 when he died by suicide August 2016. This is extremely hard. I took the days off leading up to today because I knew I would be a mess. Unlike some of you, I don’t have other children to consider. I feel like God gave me only one and I managed to screw that up. I’m up and down. I remember his beautiful smile, silly sense of humor, and outgoing personality. I cry and laugh at the same time.
Correction…Katrence completed suicide October 2016. My mind is gone.
Just like you don’t expect your parents to be responsible for your feelings and actions, you can’t take all of the credit/guilt for his suicide. Easy for me to say because it’s not me but it’s not you either. Share your story. Share your pain. We need you.