I was recently reading the book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. While the book is not focused on grief, I couldn’t help but think about how difficult having compassion for ourselves is. Especially in the aftermath of a suicide when we struggle with not only acknowledging that this tragedy happened, but trying to make sense out of a senseless act. The following is an excerpt from the book, that I wanted to share:
“The word compassion is derived from the Latin words pati and cum, meaning, “to suffer with.” I don’t believe that compassion is our default response. I think our response to pain-ours or someone else’s-is to self-protect. We protect ourselves by looking for someone or something to blame. Or sometimes we shield ourselves by turning to judgment or by immediately going into fix-it mode.”*
I have read this paragraph over and over, and thought about the compassion I had for myself in the days, months, even years following my dad’s suicide. For a long time, I blamed myself. “If only I would have” was a common statement that I made. Looking back, I lacked compassion. I had compassion for others, but I didn’t have any for myself. When I look at the meaning of compassion, I think about what I tell others who have experienced this type of loss. “You have to feel the pain, in order to heal the pain.” Stated differently, you have to have compassion for yourself, and honor the pain that lies within.
I think we also need to allow time to self protect. When the pain is too heavy to hold, we have to protect ourselves. Problem is, we often self protect for too long. We push others away, we isolate, we shut the world out. While one might assume that this would lead to suffering with our pain, it is exactly the opposite. We don’t try and heal the pain, instead we hold on to it believing that this is the only way we can stay connected with the person we lost. I promise you, the pain is not the key to connection. It is actually the key to isolation. Have compassion for yourself. Listen to the pain, feel it, and then allow yourself to heal it.
*Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Center City, Minnesota: Hazelden Publishing.
I love the message here. You are so right. To often in suicide the pain is used as a connection to the loss of love. Having compassion for one’s self and allowing the pain to work through us, and ultimately to leave us, DOES lead to healing and peace. Holding onto the pain leads to isolation and loneliness.
Let the pain and despair leave your soul and replace the empty space with memories of love and happiness.