Guest blogger Karen lost her dear brother Tony to suicide just over a year ago. In the early days of her loss, she shared on her own blog, “Life After Tony,” about the importance of self-care and doing grief work. These tips may be helpful for the newly bereaved and a good reminder for all of us. As always, we never share tips as “should do’s” but rather as things that others have said helped them along the journey. Every survivor grieves uniquely.
Doing the Work: The First Steps of Grief
Grieving after any death is tough, but grieving after a suicide of a loved one is really hard. That’s why they call it “grief work.” I want to share some things that I’ve been working on (“homework”) for my grief work with the hope that it might help a fellow survivor… and if you happen to be a fellow survivor, I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope you will find your way to some sort of peace.
- See your primary physician as soon as possible and inform him/her of this life-shattering event that has turned your life inside out. Your doctor should be able to recommend a good therapist who can help you to begin your grief work.
- Find someone who will let you talk freely about your experience. This might be a family member, a good friend, a member of the clergy, or a good therapist. Whoever you find needs to be someone with enormous patience and is non-judgmental. I have been fortunate to have several good people in my life who have permitted me to “tell my story” and this has helped me to process my feelings, especially the guilt.
- Educate yourself about suicide. This may sound strange, but it has really helped me to better understand what can lead someone to make this decision. Significant depression or some diagnosable mental illness (often schizophrenia or bipolar disorder) is a significant factor in most suicides. This was definitely the case with my brother.
- Read or listen to the stories of other survivors. Unfortunately, many have lost before, so know that you are not alone. Realizing this really helped me to feel understood.
- Write about your loss. Put your words down as they pour from your heart. My first journal entry was a letter to my brother. I wrote down all the things that I would have said to him if he were still here. There were lots of tears shed on that first letter, but that’s really the purpose behind the writing: to help you to express your grief.
- Attend a survivor of suicide support group in your area. I will be attending my first group meeting at the end of this month, and I am looking forward to talking (and listening) to other
Tony in China
people who have walked down the same path that I am on.
- Give in to the grief when it overcomes you and allow yourself to cry. You just have to accept that you are going to feel very fragile for a while and that this grief can be very insidious and may creep up upon you at unexpected and sometimes inconvenient times. It is what it is (and what it is really sucks) but you can’t stop a runaway train and neither can you stop this grief when it comes. Let it out.
- Don’t be afraid to let people help you! People will all say, “let me know if you need anything,” but if you were like me – blindsided – you might not even know what or how to ask for help. Consider copying this page of suggestions and give it to a good friend (or another family member if that’s more appropriate). He or she can then circulate the information among your other friends and they can “rally round the troops” for you. Your friends want to help you; let them!
Karen’s post “Doing the Work” originally appeared on her blog, Life After Tony. Our Resources page includes links to books and a support group search tool through the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
