This week we share a post from Sharon, who writes about the realities of suicide loss after losing her son. What people see on the outside is often not congruent with what we feel on the inside. They don’t see what happens when the doors close, and the realities of our loss sink in. Know that you are not alone; there are (sadly) so many who understand your journey. We hope this week’s post helps you feel a little more understood.
The other day sitting at a family get together I was told, “I can’t believe you are sitting here.” I asked, “What do you mean?” I was very unclear what she was referring to. “Well with everything you have been through, I would be a mess and not able to sit and have a drink with my family and chat. I would probably be curled up in a ball somewhere.” I talked with her through our conversation explaining where I am at and why, but I have thought about this so many times before. Should I be having fun after I lost my 23 year old son, Charlie to suicide? I am not sure if there is ever a right way to answer this, but I try to move through each day the best I can. Should I be on a vacation with my other children? Should I be working? Should I be in bed? Should I be at dinner with my husband laughing? Am I allowed to go out to eat? Why am I working out? How do I laugh at my students? Why am I concerned what I look like as I get my hair colored?
I do currently live in a state of denial and I am okay stating this fact. I tell myself each day that he is in Salt Lake City, where he had moved one year prior to work on his doctoral degree in Organic Chemistry. Is there a right or wrong answer to moving on? How do we know if we have moved on or are simply ignoring what has happened? I keep myself SO busy these days because if I am alone, I find myself sad and crying. Is that okay to do? Yes, it is, but probably not every day where I cannot go to work or take care of my other children. But do I make myself so busy, that I avoid dealing with reality? I have lots of people over, travel, or make sure I have a project or something to do. Have I dealt with it, yes but in what way? I tell others I talk to Charlie, both in my head and on the phone. I tell them when I talk to my psychic twice a year, that it is like a phone call to him validating that he is still here with me. This way this works with my thoughts that he is still here because I can still talk with him through a psychic, even though it’s not like he responds to me on the phone. Instead, the psychic translates his movements or hints – good enough for me. 
I sleep with a Charlie Brown stuffed animal and panic when I forget to take it with me on trips. I talk about him a lot because I have always done that. He was such a fabulous kid, how could I not?Then, the next issue with all of celebrity losses lately, we see things to watch for in relation to suicide on social media. This is so frustrating to me because no where on the list does it say, “There may be no signs.” I have also, like many other parents that have lost the child the same way, run through my son Charlie’s scenario many times. When I say many, I mean almost daily. What did we miss? What did I not see? What could I have done? When I think back, he was simply a great kid. I don’t know why. I don’t have any answers. I may not, until I see him again. But do you think this stops me from asking the same questions everyday. My mind runs constantly, often thinking about Charlie and how it could have been different.
Charlie was my oldest child. He was always so easy to take care of because he was self driven and responsible. I never truly had to worry about him. He did have a few bumps in the road, but nothing that made me stop and think what is wrong with this kid? Will he hurt himself? Will he be suicidal? Never had I once had that thought when it came to Charlie. He loved his siblings, his parents, hockey, school, and to just be the best person he could be. He grew up doing well in school, playing hockey, and was well-behaved. His academics helped him graduate number 2 in his class for Organic Chemistry and he received many scholarships. He went on to the University of Salt Lake to work on his doctorate, before he was taken by suicide. He was passionate about hockey. He was the type of kid that ate, slept, and lived hockey. It was his life until he hurt his shoulder before college tryouts. Yet, he was unsure if his hockey would interfere with his academics. He took on power lifting next, which he took serious and bulked up. There was nothing he did half-way. He gave everything 100%.
When that day came that we received an alarming text from him, I knew something was wrong. I thought, “this is not happening!!” It was one of the scariest moments of my life. As he made us aware just a few hours before he was to do something, he set limits as to how we could handle it. I look back at that short window and think about what else could we have done. His mind was set and he was not within our reach to do anything. It is so damn frustrating. Then, I got the phone call from his friend that he was on the phone with the police. He was able to track him when we were unable to and I was hopeful that his death could be prevented. Then, he heard the gun go off. Next came waiting in the waiting room after surgery, thinking about how lucky we were to get him an airflight ride from a remote place. I thought to myself -it is meant to be that he gets better, we got lucky. After surgery, the surgeon was so positive that he would recover. Then, there were the days we sat in the hospital hoping for the smallest sign he would be okay. He has to be okay, the surgeon fixed him. He is so strong and smart that I know he could pull through this. Then came the most difficult part of having to decide is we should turn off the machines, UGHHHH. Did we wait long enough? Did we make the right decision? What would he want us to do? If we waited, would he ever be the same again? This ties in with the above comment about moving on, I think about it all the time – was it the right thing to do? So many questions after losing a child to suicide? I continue to live this event that went on for 6 days. I can remember every detail and have replayed it in my mind often. How could I be sitting here having a drink and enjoying my family? Hmm, I just don’t know?
What people see is what they see. They do not see me crying in my room, thinking about the what if’s, sleeping with a Charlie Brown stuffed doll, talking with my husband for validation that we did the right thing….People do not see that I am forever changed. They see me with a smile on my face at work and think I am okay, looking for that fun person I once was…..not knowing that I have changed forever and will never be the same again! Yet, what I would give to turn back the hands of time… 
In loving memory of Charlie who left this world on March 23, 2016.
Sharon, Charlie’s mother also has a blog in honor of her son: http://www.charlesprice.org/.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know your heart aches every day. I pray I never have to endure the loss of my child. I do know heartache and suicide survivor grief—.as I lost my dad to suicide. , I too go through the motions with my students and teacher friends. They don’t see the pain inside that is a constant reminder of the traumatic experience. It’s been 1 1/2 years for me, so the hand-holding through the first year is gone. But what people don’t know is, I still need hand-holding….lots of times. I cry slime because I don’t want those around me to be sad. Sending good thoughts to you for “some” relief from the daily pain.
Brenda
Brenda,
Thanks for your kind thoughts. I believe the thing with suicide, is that we don’t know the why – so no matter the age – it is still hard. Just like any death, we feel left empty. I am sorry for your loss and hope someone grabs your hand. Sending warm hugs.
Thank you for sharing your story and Charlie with us. My son left this world on November 8, 2016. Steve suffered from depression. He tried all kinds of meds but could never find one that would work for long. He then did ECT treatments which took him over the edge. Some scribbled writings were found that morning by his girlfriend but as I saw he left the house for awhile and came back that morning (he had an alarm on his truck and it sent me signals when the truck came and went) calmed my fears that he would actually do something. He would be in bed for days when he was bad. Then the text came……and we searched all over for him. We didn’t find him…..the police called a few hours later. My worst fear…he was gone. I have continued to work from day one. My way of having some control of my new life. I put on the happy face to get thru the day and then fall apart when I get home. Hugs to you on this journey we never wanted to be on.
Thank you or sharing, so I know I am not alone. In the beginning, I simply did nothing as i was at such a loss. We have four older kids in their 20’s and an 11 year old. I always thought there was a reason he is here – it is to help me make my life purposeful. I have to get out of bed to take care of that little guy. I just hope I show up the best I an for him, so he gets the best of me. I am sorry for your loss as well. This trip we are on is no fun, but maybe we can help inspire each other.
I am so glad you are able to continue with life even though it is very hard, DO NOT stop doing that no matter what…unfortunately I did and it landed me in a very bad place. Its OK to keep on living, it is a MUST!
Kelly,
I sure hope this helps, so that you are not in a bad place – that sounds funny even typing it knowing what you mean. Hopefully you can lean on those close to you? Thinking of you and sending hugs.
I, too, lost my 22 yr old son to it. My 18 yr old son found him & hes been a mess ever since. It was 2001. I couldnt grieve much because of taking care of my 18 yr old. Hes got panic disorder, anxiety, IBS, all of which he didnt have before it happened to his brother. He cant eat right or work. I guess i lost him too, but i keep praying he will get better.
Sharon,
I am sorry for your loss. Raising kids is hard work that does not come for a separate manual for each. I wish it was easier and that our kids knew how much we loved them. I will keep you in my thoughts!
Sharon, thank you for writing this and first want to say I’m sorry for the loss of your son, he sounds incredible and the love for a first born son is something that I cherish as my first born is my son, named after his dad , my husband who completed suicide Feb 4, 2010. I live with this fear all the time that not only my son but my daughter doing the same thing! It is crippling for me and that’s what people don’t see from me on the outside. I fear every time my kids have a hardship, a letdown, anything but positive I go straight to suicide because of what we lived with their dad. I too stay busy and involved with work, family, and my “new” husband who sees all of me and is so patient with me. There are days/ weeks/ months that I am so on the go and don’t miss a beat. Then, there are the same of just doing what I have to with my responsibilities but anything outside of that is put on hold sometimes so I can be home, cry as needed, or just be by myself to think, journal, read , exercise and sometimes simply clean and nap. This is the only way I have gotten this far in my journey with living a normal, healthy life. I do notice that now more than ever I’m grieving the loss of myself more than anything right now. It took so much from me as my kids were 15 & 17 when the tragedy struck and it’s not just the suicide it was the year leading up to it that has caused so much trauma for us.. now, that my kids are 23 & 26 and my daughter just moved away and my son is thinking about his career move and possibly moving away has left me to deal with me, and this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. For the most part I’ve always been really happy, upbeat and just silly! Now, not as much and I want that back so bad. I’m going to continue my work on finding myself and if that means out and about laughing or home laying low I’m going to follow what I need. When I fight it to make others happy or feel good about things this is when I go upside down. Self care is the key, and finding that self care is different for everyone. I wish you all the best and thank you again❤️
Shannan,
I get what you say when you worry about the others after this happens, thinking it could again! It is a huge fear I think because we have experienced and know what a loss it is. I am thrilled for you that you found someone that can be there for you and I am sure your husband is happy that you have someone that can be there for you on this hard journey. I hope the days are filled with less guilt because they had to know that they were loved, but I know it will never be the same. I wish you many days of laughter without feeling guilty. I hope your kids path leads to happiness, so they can enjoy their adulthood. Warm wishes.
Thank you for sharing, your openness and honesty is so refreshing. How does one go on after suicide? Every day and every day. God bless you and your family. One grieving suicide mom to another. Charlie’s light shines bright…
Sorry for your loss as well. Day by day….
Thank you for sharing your Charlie with us on this journey. I too had a child lost to this suicide on June 19 2014. Never , ever did I think he would leave us this way but he did and I too feel the same way you do. People think after 4 years she should be over it or at least come to terms with IT, No, I just live with IT every day.
I understand your journey…… I know you will meet up again one day.
Unfortunately we are friends! I wish we weren’t!!! Such a strange thing to say to you but only you understand that! I am thankful that we can walk this road together and that I am not alone and neither are you! I love you !
I am so thankful for you in my life. You are inspiring.
so so sorry for your loss. my Lydia was 23 when she took her life january 20 2016. she hung herself. i found her. life is hell, and i am too tired to put on that mask anymore.
No need for a mask, but know that she would want you to live because she will be waiting for you when you get there. Sorry for your loss and I am sure Lydia was amazing!!
For me, I am a great actress during the day and if I am out at night I continue to show I am ok. I found my son and not a days goes by that I don’t relive that moment in time.,
My heart bleeds for you Angel Mom and for all the Angel Moms out there.. we are the new normal as they say!
I pray each day that I can remain strong in front of my family and friends.. I continue to speak of Mark and as long as I am living, he is too!
We go on and on, July 9th is his 53rd birthday , and I just wonder what if would be like if he were here w me… love you Mark forevet, forever your mine…
Mary Ann
Mary Ann
Sorry for your loss! I am sure Mark would have wanted you to be happy, but we know that it is hard. Continue to make it through the days knowing Mark will be waiting of you.