Do you ever dream of your loved one who has died by suicide? Upon reading Kimberly Starr’s guest post on this topic, I was reminded that it’s been quite a while since my dad has appeared in my dreams. Early on, mine were built around themes of anger or conflict but I long for one like Kimberly experienced about her son.
“A Wish Granted” by Kimberly Starr
On days I have counseling, I often recount my sessions with my husband, LJ. Sharing my appointment content helps him understand where I am emotionally while also helping me to review my progress and my homework. We talked at length after my session yesterday, and I mentioned I do not ever ask Tom to visit me in my dreams, in fear he will not do so. Yet, I ache to see and feel him close to me again, and the dream world is the only avenue I have to do so. It’s been a long time since I have dreamt of Tom, and I have been irrationally disappointed by it. Thankfully, right before I awoke this morning, he came to me.
We were sitting at a dark, wood, dining room table in a home which was ours in the dream, but not in real life. He was about 11 years old and completing worksheets for a class. I did not realize he was struggling to finish them until he looked up at me and asked when they were due. I could see the hopelessness in his eyes and could physically feel his struggle in my heart.
In most of the dreams I have of Tom, I know he is dead so the visit has an other-worldly quality to it. But this one was a mundane, everyday sort of dream. In it, I had a better understanding of his anxiety, and so I was able to successfully parent him through his frustration of not being able to concentrate. I gently asked him what was going on in his mind and if there was anything he wanted to share with me. We talked about splitting the work over a few days to make it easier to complete.
Far too soon, something in my sleeping conscious remembered he is gone and reminded me I needed to savor his visit. I leaned into him and smelled his scent which is only one of many things I miss about him. Then I rested my head on his shoulder, momentarily taken back to the physical and emotional warmth we shared until the dream faded. I laid in bed, replaying it so I would not forget any moment of it.
One of the things I’m still struggling with around Tom’s suicide is the guilt of the what if’s. I’ve read that suicide survivors often return to these feelings. More often than not, I can blame his suicide on his mental illness, but occasionally I return to what I could have or should have seen or done. It comes up in conversation with both my husband and my counselor. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about needing Tom’s forgiveness for my parenting shortcomings and said as much to LJ yesterday. Because we went to counseling together, and our counselor taught us both to coach the other through our most difficult moments, LJ knows the right things to say and how to help me work through this ongoing internal battle. When I recounted my dream to him this morning, he pointed out that perhaps Tom heard my pain yesterday and found a way to help grant the forgiveness I so desperately desire.
(C) 2018, Kimberly Starr
It’s been over 20 months since my son Steve completed suicide and I’ve had no dreams of him yet. It truly bothers me as we were close. His girlfriend as has some as had a few of his friends. I’ve about given up the idea of a thin veil or any kind of continuing spirit energy.
Hi Katherine…My daughter Andi committed suicide 10 years ago on Dec.28th. I have studied Extensively, and Know there is an afterlife. A Glorious,Loving place..I’ve also gone to a medium and Andi came through loud and clear. It was freaky, but she WAS there. Some comfort knowing she’s Living in God’s Love. But I still excruciatingly miss her..several times daily. Had a few “visits” also. 💙 May God bless you and take on some of your Pain 💙
Hi Katherine,
I can relate to what you are saying. I am a Christian and so was my son (Nathan, died by suicide Aug 9, 2014). I had prayed nearly every day since August 9 that God would give me a dream about Nathan. I finally had two dreams, both pretty close together in time which was well past a year and half after he left. They were comforting dreams and very memorable…the ones that I think of every day and don’t want to forget. I have come to realize that perhaps God may want to protect us, even though we may think we know what will give us comfort and peace. He truly knows. I am learning to trust in his timing in all things. But that does not make me stop yearning to see my son, whether in a dream or in heaven. And I have learned to tell God these things, every day, and I don’t think he grows weary from hearing from us.
Thank you for your reply Jenny. I guess it is all in God’s timing. Just hard to read of others having many dreams. Guess I’m not to get them.
That makes perfect sense that you would want to have these dreams.and it is hard to read other’s accounts . It is certainly something you can’t make happen but don’t loose hope!
Jenny
Hi Katherine. Don’t give up hope. Mind you, if and when it does happen, you may find it very upsetting. God may feel you have enough pain at the moment. Claire
Thank you for describing so well the emotions tied to dreaming of our loved ones. I have only had a few “snippets” of dreams of my sister since she died 1-1/2 years ago from suicide. In those few snippets it was always me realizing she was dead and asking her if she knew she killed herself. I know it was me talking to her in my dreams.
The nights seem to take on a different emotional toll for me. I often feel as if I can experience the depth of her despair at night. It’s very painful.
Thank you for your article. It’s so helpful to hear from others experiences.
I too lost my sister about 1 1/2 yrs ago. I can’t track time we’ll since. It was 4-20-17. I’ve had only a few moments in dream stayed but it struck me –very similar to what you wrote. Asking her did she understand whats happened and how in the world do we fix this now –. Very much relate to your experience of night. Hope for all it becomes something different in time. Glad for the community.
Thank you for the time And energy you gave, to give such a complete feeling, 2005 is a long time ago for me and my loss, however it is everything to have a dream with my son in it. Sending all positive vibes and all my respect.