I was looking through old paperwork the other day and came across a note that I jotted down a little while back. I wrote, “Can hope alone be enough?” I can’t remember what was happening in the moment when I jotted that down; however, I do know that I was reminding myself to reflect on the question that was clearly on my mind. The beginning of a new year brings forth ambition and excitement for many. Yet for those who have a lost a loved one to suicide, a new year means a new year without the person that we lost. I wanted to use today’s blog post to reflect on the question that sat in front of me today, “Can hope be enough?”
According to the Oxford Dictionary hope is defined by, “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.” Why does that confuse me even more? I talk often about the importance of setting realistic expectations for three things: ourselves, others, and the world. If unrealistic expectations linger in either of those three categories it can be extremely problematic. For example, if we expect that nothing bad will ever happen again, well, we will be disappointed. In addition, even the small things appear to be bigger than they are, due to this unrealistic expectation. So, if we view hope as an expectation of one day feeling better, of one day not being consumed by the pain left by a suicide, is that enough?
I must think back to the first year after losing my dad to suicide. I think hope was a big part of that first year. Problem with the hope that I had, is that it created a great deal of avoidance. I hoped the pain would go away, but I didn’t do anything to work through it. In this case, I can say with 100% confidence, hope was not enough. I couldn’t just expect things to get better. I had to work to make them better. Had I relied on hope alone, I am not too sure what the outcome would have been. However, if I didn’t have hope, I doubt I would have tried to make things better.
So, I suppose this is a complicated question. I don’t know that I believe hope alone is enough. However, without hope, I don’t think anyone would even attempt to change their circumstances. I remember baking an angel food cake in home economics back in middle school. Instead of ¼ teaspoon of salt, I put ¼ cup of salt into the cake. I doubt it will come as a surprise, but I did not end up with a fluffy white cake. In fact, my cake was about as flat as a piece of paper. To me, hope is like the ¼ teaspoon of salt. It is an essential part of the recipe, but if you use too much, don’t expect to rise.
Thank you so much. This is so true. You put into words how I feel.
Jessica all I can say is WOW and a big THANKYOU with all my heart. Michael’s Mum. 11/11/94-10/11/15💜💙💜💙💜💙💜💙💜💙💜💙
Hello Jessica,
Not knowing what the future holds for us after a suicide loss we hope for some manner of relief from our pain. Yet we know there is no hope aside from what time and our own acceptance of this devastating reality will make of it.
I agree with your analogy of hope and salt in your angel food cake experience. As too much salt will produce a failed cake, too much hope to the exclusion of actual dealing with the realities of our loss, however painful, will produce a delayed healing process.
As for me, I am left with an emptiness and acceptance 10 years after losing my lovely in every way granddaughter to suicide at age 27. Of course, eventual acceptance is very much a part of the hoped for healing process which does in time become our saving grace. The emptiness will always be with me.
Please accept my condolences regard the loss of your father. I can so relate to your pain.
Nancy J. Reed
Suicide has left behind pain, blame, anger. It’s such a complicated death. I get angry that he left me to find him like that and all the trauma and anxiety I deal with. Therapy has helped so much and I can understand now that in that moment his intention was not all the destruction and pain he left behind. It was the only answer he felt would end his pain. My best friends suicide has changed my life forever. I have grown from his death and am determined that good will come from this. I have a long road. We are just past the one year mark but it is getting better.