Suicide Prevention Awareness Month can be difficult for survivors of suicide loss due to ongoing messaging about suicide being preventable. I have read a number of posts and responses recently about how hurtful these campaigns feel because they are reminders to survivors of how they lost someone. In addition these survivors are convinced prevention campaigns do not work, because they sincerely believe there is no way their loved ones would have reached out for help.
As far as we know, our son, Tom, told only one person that he intended to kill himself. If that person had known that talking about suicide is a warning sign, they might have shared that information with a trusted adult, and we might have been able to connect Tom to medical assistance. Tom also gave away prized possessions in the weeks before he died. Again, had the recipients of those gifts known this action is a sign of suicide ideation, they might have told someone about their concerns. Recognizing the signs, knowing how to talk to someone experiencing suicide ideation, and learning to walk beside loved ones without judgement is the power of suicide prevention work. So even though Tom might not have explicitly asked for assistance, through education, others might have been better equipped to help him.
I have been involved in writing and speaking about suicide prevention for a few years now. Numerous people have reached out to me and told me that reading my book (457 Days: A Mother’s Journey Along Grief’s Path) and attending our prevention presentations has positively impacted them. They tell us listening to our story, learning the signs, and knowing what steps to take have made a difference.
It is difficult for me to live with the knowledge that had I recognized the signs of Tom’s depression and suicide ideation, and had I approached him with my concerns in the appropriate way, he might still be alive. It is heartbreaking for me to hear his death may have been preventable because it feels like I failed him as a mother. But I cling to the hope that through our own and others’ prevention work, lives will be saved, leading to less suicide loss survivors to travel this painful journey.
(C) 2019 Kimberly A. Starr
Kimberly,
We knew of our daughter’s struggles with depression, anxiety & borderline personality disorder and yet we were unable to prevent her death by suicide. My wife and I have begun speaking here in our hometown and support Suicide Prevention Awareness month but I honestly believe that not all suicides are preventable. As moms were are hardwired to accept fault and blame but we shouldn’t. Thank you for sharing this post. God Bless you for doing this important work 💜
Dear Kimberly, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son Tom. I too lost my precious son T.J. to suicide at the age of 16. Thank you for the work you are doing. You are saving lives. I hope you believe as I do that our boys continue to be with us every step of the way.
It sounds good but people don’t always give away possessions or exhibit depression or any signs of suicidal ideation. I think what you do is a wonderful way to educate the population about suicide but is it preventable at all?
Many will disagree with me and that is fine. I lost my son to suicide in June 2014. Like a detective, I went through every single conversation, every piece of paper, text looking for any signs.
I told myself maybe this was a sign, maybe that was a sign?
I know hundreds of survivors of suicide and all their situations were different. Most were not planned and impulsive acts especially young teens who were bullied at school. Some of them were adults in their late 20’s, loss of a relationship, loss of a job pushed them to the brink of despair. Many of them had just started a well know anti-depressant or had just stopped taking them and as the commercials say “may cause suicidal thoughts in young adults”.
I wish I saw some of the signs but I did not so that being said I HOPE that other parents do recognize the signs and save their loved one.
Thanks for letting me vent my thoughts
My parents took their life four years ago I thought I would a got over by now my life is never been the same sense are leaving leave the house anymore I’ve disassociated myself from everybody and I just stay-at-home and do my business and keep my head down I don’t know what to do I feel lost all my savings in my money’s gone I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. I’m having a hard time focusing at work my income is down 60% I just feel tired I feel tired all the time
I HOPE YOU’RE DOING OK. I HAPPENED TO SEE YOUR POST. MY SON DIED FROW SUICIDE 2002 AND IT’S STILL HARD AT TIMES. GRIEF GROUPS CAN HELP YOU FEEL SUPPORTED. SENDING YOU LOTS OF LOVE! YOU ARE NOT ALONE