No matter how much time has passed, I still can’t seem to get over the fact that life continues to progress without my Dad here to be a part of it. It seems like the past few months have brought constant reminders that he’s gone and won’t be able to experience all of the exciting things that are happening for me right now. In May, my husband and I sold our condo in the city and bought our first house in the Chicago suburbs. It was a big step, but we’re really excited about this change and are already busy making updates!
We also learned we’re expecting our first child, due later this year. This would have been my Dad’s first grandchild and I can only imagine how much this little one would have meant to him. We revealed the news to family on Father’s Day, of all days, so his absence was especially hard to digest.
Lastly, this month (July 27) marks the three-year anniversary of his death, which always brings with it the reminder of how he died and that another year of life changes have come and gone without him here.
I haven’t been terribly upset or emotional about all of the changes that are going on without my Dad, but I find myself thinking of him often….every time my husband and I go to Home Depot, I see someone around his age, wearing cargo shorts and sandals, and I’m reminded of him. I know if he were around, he’d be helping us with projects around the house and giving us tips on how to do maintenance on a home. It’s kind of bittersweet having all of this help from my in-laws, knowing that I don’t have parents alive who can help us contribute to the house, or get excited for their upcoming Grandchild. I think about the fact that he won’t be able to take our son or daughter to his beloved White Sox games or teach him/her his favorite Jimmy Buffet songs. And, I’m really disappointed that I won’t be able to watch them build a bond, either.
Purchasing our house and expecting our first child are two of the biggest life-changing experiences that I’ve had to deal with since my Dad passed. There have definitely been others along the way where his presence was missed — family weddings and my brother’s college graduation, just to name a few. I wished he had been here for those, but even more so now
With all that’s been happening, sometimes it feels like he has only been gone for 10 minutes, but at other times it has dragged on. This all reminded me of a post I wrote about a year ago on how survivors can sometimes struggle with the way life goes on after death. You can read it here.
Wishing you all a safe and healthy holiday weekend.
Lindsay, congratulations on expecting! My daughter is now 2 years old and my father died by suicide 5 years ago this past Father’s Day. I completely understand how you feel. It’s nice to know that somebody else is experiencing what I have experienced, and for me getting to a place of acceptance (that my dad will never know his first and probably only grandchild) is really, really tough. For so many reasons. It’s a struggle especially on special occasions, holidays, etc. and I can only imagine that as she gets older it’ll actually get tougher. But we plan to share many happy memories with her and show her pictures of my dad, etc. For whatever reason, not having my dad in her life is probably the sorest spot that I have in my heart in relation to losing him. There’s something really special to me about a grandfather’s bond to his baby granddaughter, and she will never have that. (My husband’s father died from a heart attack almost 30 years ago.) I like to think that both of her grandfathers can see her from heaven and love her just as much as if they were here with us on earth.