One feeling that has resurfaced since my Dad’s death is anger towards him. As I said in my last post, my husband and I recently bought a house. After selling my Dad’s house the year after he died, my husband and I stored all of the family heirlooms that used to be in my parents’ basement (family pictures, family China, my Mom’s Snow Babies and other knick knacks she collected, as well as a few boxes of stuff from my Grandparents). The boxes added up, and that is not stuff you just throw away. For the past two years, it had been in a storage unit so it was “out of sight out of mind” for me. Since we moved into the house, we got rid of the storage unit and brought all the stuff to our new house. Every time I see all these boxes stacked up and my husband and I plan on where we will store them, I get so angry. I am sure anyone else who has a house knows the value of storage space, and we don’t have a crawl space we can just throw the boxes in. Writing it out now, it sounds so petty, but I get mad at my Dad for leaving me with all of this stuff that I don’t know if I’ll ever really want or use. But, I have to store it. I feel like it’s just another burden he left on me, just like so many others that I had to deal with in the aftermath of his death.
Then in one day, I go from anger to sadness as I sort through some of the stuff that my brother and I saved from his garage. Yesterday, I was using some shop rags to clean off some wooden chairs I was getting ready to spray paint. I thought of how excited my Dad would be that I’m using some of his beloved garage things to work on my new house. In my last support group, a member made a great point that with this grief process we can be at a “peak” and then drop into a “pit” in one day. That is exactly how I have been feeling lately in regards to my Dad’s death and the exciting things going on in my life. Dealing with anger after suicide is completely normal, and one of the many stages of the grief process. One minute I’m so happy that I have this new house and my husband and I will start new memories with our baby that is due later this year, and then that exciting peak disappears and you’re brought down to the pit when reality sets in because I remember that my Dad is not here to celebrate all that we have to look forward to.
I am just trying to take it one day at a time, as I know this roller coaster of “peaks” and “pits” are going to continue for the rest of my life as life goes on for me as a survivor.
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