Guest blogger Carrie reveals with raw emotion how she is continuing to navigate the grief journey five years after her father’s suicide. Like many survivors, she often feels conflicted in the wake of loss – strong one moment and weak the next. Read on for this open letter she penned to her dad.
To my father…
It’s been five years since you left. I’m not sure why the classic milestone date gets to me so bad, but this particular date weighs heavy on me. I’ve spent several sleepless nights reflecting on my journey. Here is some of what your suicide has done to me and for me.
I’ve grown a lot. I’m proud of my strength, which you instilled in me. Yet also, as strong as I am, I’m pathetically weak. I cry for you much more than anyone sees.
I have battled between seeking help in dealing with such a loss and praying that I just heal. I share you with others and knowing that I help others along in their grief helps me. I feel that honors you, but truth is, I will never heal, and I will never get over you. I made a promise to you from the start that I would never get mad at you for leaving, but honestly, I’ve been forcing my feelings of anger aside because I really cannot move beyond the fact that you could not say goodbye, and couldn’t leave any answers – you only left me with questions. You left us with a huge puzzle. It’s a damn jagged edged puzzle, and only we can put our pieces together again.
It kills me knowing you carried your burden alone. I know I missed some signs, but you hid them so well.
YOUR DEATH CHANGED ME
Your physical death has traumatized me because even though I didn’t see it happen, I demanded to know every detail of the very how. Every single night for the past five years, what I go to sleep with is a vision of how that was for you. I put myself there with you, I envision the act, I live it like I was really there, and that’s where my weakness lives.
I’ve been open, I’ve been very closed. I’ve been inspiring, yet I’ve been a coward. I’ve put up a wall and have put on a brave face. My trust has been damaged and I have damaged it in others.
My support system has been amazing, yet at times I’ve turned from them because you used to be part of my support, and you just vanished. What’s to say they won’t?
Sometimes I see my support as part of my failure. They are trying, but sometimes their words just aren’t right, so I step back. I don’t mean to, I just don’t know how to accept their comfort when I don’t FEEL the comfort. I’ve hurt people I care about, and I’ve been hurt by people who care for me. My family almost fell apart and I work hard to keep it together.
I work hard to raise my girls to know how depression can affect people, and I pray that I’ve taught them enough that they will always seek comfort when they really just want to hide in their own sadness. I’m sad you aren’t here to see their beauty. They know why you died, but they don’t know how you died.
I live my life happily like you would want, but a lot of me is missing because it stayed with you five years ago. I’ve had to live as the new me – the suicide survivor me – and that’s been a challenge.
I’ve always been a kind, big-hearted woman. But, since your death, I’ve become even more compassionate and more understanding of others because I’ve learned the hard way that everyone has a story and you never know what someone is going through. You are a prime example of that and for this lesson, I thank you. XO
I smile, sometimes it’s real, sometimes it’s fake, but I smile just like you used to. Nothing really has changed in five years. I know I miss you, I know I still struggle every day, I know I love you always.
Your journey became mine. Your pain didn’t end, it went from your heart to ours. I’m struggling dad; I just wish you had stayed. I hope others who may feel your depth of despair will remember my words, JUST STAY. That’s why I share your story, that’s why I do my part to end the stigma.
Sometimes I ponder on our last conversations, and I blame myself and pick apart the words, and I try and recall if you really were saying it without saying it. I know you left without the goodbye because how do you say goodbye? There is no right way.
From the very first day to five years later, I have thought of you and everything surrounding the way you died. This has changed me forever, and I beg you to keep guiding me to feel peace. I hope you are ok.
Love you always, hope you knew it then, hope you know it now. <3
Javier Rivera says
Thank you, my Mom has only been gone for almost three months. The Universe moves forward, and we must move with it, with joy and with sadness, with sorrow and with happiness.
Michele says
I just lost my husband to suicide on August 24th. Everything was so complicated and there are no simple answers. I wasn’t supposed to find him but he forgot we have an app on our phones that shows where we are each located. I saw the address and got worried and went to the address where I opened the door to find his face destroyed and a shotgun between his legs in the front seat of our Yukon. I asked if he left a note and they said just a paper with your name and number. He never meant for me to find him and you get no more answers just a different form of torture to live with. I did find a small note that left me nothing but more questions. This is the worse thing you can do to another human being.
Chris says
I also lost my Husband by Suicide coming up on 4 years Sept 27th.. He chose to shoot himself in the head in front of me in our bedroom. I know what you are feeling. He also left no note. But he was in a bad place which created our marriage to be in a bad place as well. I feel for you very much. The best words I have for you is to remember the choice was his unfortunately and we cannot change that in any way shape or form. the best words I have for you is to remember the choice was his unfortunately and we cannot change that in anyway shape or form. Also, the most important 3 words right now for you are Life Goes On. (I remembered that from Sally Field at the end of Steel Magnolias). My thoughts and prayers for you for strength. You WILL get thru this (it will never go away) but you will get thru it. Smile often (it tricks the brain and it does help)
Marvin says
45 years ago I had the unfortunate opportunity to watch my Dad commit suicide right in front of me at the tender age of 11 years old. He looked right at me and said he was going to end it all. I didn’t understand any of it back then but now I know that he was in very deep pain from a not so good childhood and being in the Korean War. Many of times I’ve asked why but there are no answers just a lot of questions. I have no idea how I myself have survived and led a productive life and raised a good family to this point. But I know I have survived and will continue to do so. I made a promise long ago that I would never allow my family to ever go through the pain and suffering that I have and that has kept me going year to year. I only have 1 wish left and that would be to be able to sit down with him and have a conversation with him now that I’m an adult. Looking back through pictures of him and remembering how he changed I now can see how what I call the monster grew inside of him until he couldn’t live with it anymore. Thank you for sharing your letter.
Tori says
This story hit so unbelievably close to home, I also lost my father to suicide it’ll be 5 years in April. It brought tears to my eyes reading this, I have felt everything you just explained multiple on occasions, and having to explain to my girls what happened to their grandfather. I think the only difference is unfortunately I found my father. Horrible events that happened in our lives, but just to know that I’m not alone helps. Thank you! My heart goes out to you and your family.
PA says
I struggle to even find right words after reading this blog and replies above. I lost my dad three years ago, while some days are good, the other days are simply difficult to move forward. Stuck in neutral. I know what I seek, but it’s beyond difficult so for now, look for peace.
Gina says
Thank you for sharing. I lost my 19 year old son to suicide 12 weeks ago today. Your letter sums up so many of my own emotions. I feel shattered, though I have to move forward for my two other boys and my husband. This new suicide survivor life sucks but like you I want to share my sons story and do what I can to end the stigma of mental illness and bring awareness to suicide prevention. If it helps one person who is suffering to reach out for help and STAY, then sharing my pain is worth it.
Tim says
Sorry for your loss, Gina. Excellent read. Suicide is never the answer. Be strong, your family needs you.
Krystal says
Beautifully written. I lost my Dad to suicide just over a year and a half ago. The journey is so rough. Everything you say here is on point. Thank you for sharing.
Ida says
It will be 12 years this Nov. that my husband took his life, and took mine and our children’s lives with him. It was because I was leaving and to this day I blame myself,he took his life right in front of me, something I will never ever forget or ever forgive myself for putting my children through this for the rest of their lives, they love their father more than any words could ever put in writing, and I took that from them, and I cry almost everyday even now that he is not here to see our beautiful children and grandchildren ,it weighs on my mind so much that sometimes the grief is almost too much to bear. I love them so so much and I know I could never live up to their dad, and all I can say is I am so sorry. Thank you for letting me get this out to a stranger where no-one I know will ever see this. God bless you, and I hope one day they can truly forgive me.
Nicole says
I share your pain and how your feeling to a tee. My husband took his life 3 months ago. I got the the text telling me he was going to do it. We had been separated. We looked for him for two days before we finally found him. Telling my two daughters their daddy was gone was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. They are 10 and 11. The first thing my 11yr old asked me was who was going to walk her down the isle when she got married. I know she blames me a lot for his death and it shatters me more and more everyday. You always wish you would of done something different . The void left in your heart never repairs . The unanswered questions and the not being able to say good bye is always in the back of your mind even on the good days. We talk about the happy good times everyday to keep his spirit alive. Thank you for sharing your story.
Nadia M Walker says
Thank you for this article. Although my mom committed suicide almost 13 years ago I still feel it everyday in some shape or form. If I would write her another letter so much what you have said would be in it. I cried when I read this but perhaps I needed that all along!
Cindy says
Thank you for sharing this. My son was 23 when he ended his 2 years ago. I know it is hard for others to understand that this is something we never get over. We are forever changed. We only get better at including the other parts of our lives with the threads of grief sewn in.
Kelley says
Thank you for this article and expressing so well the questions, reflections, changes and feelings associated with living in the aftermath of suicide. My sister died by suicide a little more than a year and a half ago.
I too, have many of the details leading up to the time of my sister’s suicide. I’m not sure having this information is better as it allows you to zero in on specific conversations and the details more closely. It really just opens up a more specific self blame. It’s horrible to live with but somehow we’re all doing it.
Knowing we’re not the only ones feeling this way helps. Thank you.
Carrie says
wow Kelly!!! that’s exactly how I felt as I wrote it! So many times I think back and wonder… was that a sign. The self blame is a hard one to swallow. I have to focus on all the happiest times, and not the dark <3
Kelly Sorah says
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I lost my mother yesterday she killed herself. She has always struggled with pain and took medication for years to numb herself and alcohol later in life. She attempted suicide twice before in her life that I know of. She was struggling with addiction and then two months again we lost my brother to an overdose. She took it really hard and everyday was a struggle. There were things during the planning of my brothers passing that she was angry and hurt from. It was very hard for me to be supportive of her because all she could think about was her own pain and I was very much also mourning the loss of my brother. She was also in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend it was very difficult for me to stand beside and watch. She sent me an email five days ago and I had not responded because I didn’t know what to say. I feel so many waves of emtions and mostly guilt and sadness right now. I pray that she is now a peace and is no longer suffering. Sorry for your lost and sharing your story.
P says
I unfortunately relate to every word you beautifully wrote and expressed. My husband took his own life with pills over 2 1/2 years ago because I left too. The situation was getting more out of control and dangerous. I feel blessed he went more peacefully with pills than guns. But it was only because we removed every gun out of my house and hid them from him. My mind and dreams also goes back to what could have happened. It’s so scary. There were times he could have done it in front of me or taken us both. I’m blessed my kids were in their 20’s and can process this as adults and we have to use logically thinking to help us keep the emotional pain manageable.
What has helped me… I have been in therapy every week since it happened dealing with the shock, guilt, unbelievable sadness, you know all the wide range of feelings we all go through, we speak the same language that others don’t understand our pain so I never allow myself not to go. It isn’t a choice. I have gone to church every week and pray daily for strength, healing and guidance. And for God to protect my kids and friends and others from this type of pain. I’ve come to realize that there our things on this side of heaven, that we aren’t meant to understand. That my husband’s life was between him and God. Not something I had any control over. This isn’t anything I ever wanted for him and would do anything to go back in any moment to take this wisdom back to help him. But that is not God’s plan and I have to accept that, no matter how many times my mind and dreams take me back.
All of you, please stay as positive as possible. I have found to help me through this, is my kids and I refuse to ever burden them or hurt them by not being the best I can for them and my future grandkids. I say, this stops now. With my husband. We educate and talk and never go through this again with another family memeber or loved one. I try to turn something bad into something good everyday. Even when I don’t feel like it. When it would be so easy to just curl up and not want to move either. That is what he would do… I can’t allow myself. To go there. Everyday, takes a lot of energy but I realize I have the power to make each day of the rest of my life into something good for those around me who love me and don’t want to hear or see the pain. One day at a time…. that is all any of us have.
May God bless all of you with his love, grace and mercy. I hope my words help you too and that you never give up. It isn’t a choice. It’s not something you ever get over…. it’s something you live with and progress through…. you can still learn and grow and give back to others that are hurting on this shared and similar journey…………
Carrie says
I lost a brother 4 years ago to suicide. He left me with so much guilt. If I only did more of this with him, or been there more for him, etc… everyday is gut wrenching and hard. This never gets easy. He was my best friend growing up. He kept telling me I am all he has. I miss him so much!!!! I have stayed strong and moved on with life but still have some very sad days. I understand why but don’t. My wish for him is that he is good and happy. That’s what I want for him.
Marnie Bergen says
Thank you so much for this passionate and painful article. It will be 2 years on Sept 17th that I lost my Dad to suicide. Your thoughts were poignant and powerful and helpful. It always helps me process my pain and feelings when someone else shares a similar story. Thank you for helping me!!
Shannan says
Morning to you Carrie and all of you on this blog. This is one of the most powerful stories and blog I’ve been a part of thus far on this website. Everything you said in your story hits very close to home for me too. Although, my relationship is like so many on this blog, the widow and mom of out two adult kids now. At the time of my husbands suicide my kids were 17 & 15 bookends in high school. Carrie, you have helped me with your story and an insight on how my kids have gone through and continue to go through in all their stages in life. They are now 26 & 23 and they are both doing so well today and I’m grateful for today! They have both struggled in the same ways and also in different since my son is the oldest, my husbands little hero and my daughter was the little sis, daddy’s girl! They both deal with it very differently and I have different tactics if that’s what you want to call it by openly communicating with them without always flooding them with the constant “check ins” on how they are really doing inside. My son just asked me on Saturday if this will ever go away!? The struggle of just moving forward happily without all the emotions of sadness that come in many different forms. I believe it’s a forever balance and it’s for us all to figure out what works for each of us. I can’t pretend to know what my kids feel daily but you did help. I know how I feel and what I go through and by staying healthy living my life positively like someone has said on this blog I’m hoping this helps my kids to keep on growing, learning and living for them. It’s been 8 years and for me, this is the most difficult year so far. Self care is the number one priority for me through this and living one day at a time with down time when I can get it. I too see a counselor for all the trauma that we endured prior to his suicide. I too saw traumatic situations in the year leading to his death, not the final act so I cannot speak to that. I can just speak to what I see in my head and I’m working on it. Those of you with younger ones, it’s teally tough because I had to hold it together, work, keep their lives in some state of normalcy with sports, school, college so the time for me to work on me is now and it’s so much harder than taking care of my kids. But, I’m determined to live this life the way I deserve and I hope my kids get to this point too. No matter what he took from us he also gave us strength and his love for so long hoping it gets us through. Take care everyone! I hope the best for you all. And I’m very sorry for your loss.
Kirsten Royer says
I found my dads lifeless body 4 years ago. He was/is my hero and I was a poster child of a daddies girl…I struggle everyday with why he left his body for me of all people to find. A huge piece of me died that day and continues dying to this day. I can totally relate to this!
Carrie says
I have read every single comment, and I appreciate every single word from you all!!!! Your stories are all powerful, we are SURVIVORS!!!
bless you all! thank you for taking the time to read my heart felt words.