This week we welcome Karen, who opens up about going from wife to widow in a matter minutes after losing her husband Steve to suicide. Thank you Karen for sharing your grief journey with us.
It’s been nearly a year and a half since I came home to find my husband had hung himself in our garage. In that moment, my brain fractured. I thought he had rigged up some cruel Halloween joke despite the fact that I was looking into the face of the man I had last seen about 6 hours earlier and had spoken to 3 hours earlier. My brain simply could not connect that I was looking into the face of the man I had shared my life with for nearly 15 years, and he….was…..dead.
He had had a breakdown six months before he died and had been diagnosed with severe depression along with paranoia and psychosis and had to be hospitalized for 9 days. He had a break with reality the previous year when the paranoia showed up. Medication helped to keep the paranoia in check but the months leading up to his last breakdown were fraught with fear and stress, his and mine. I hadn’t stopped long enough to catch my breath in order to see that his behavior had a damaging effect on me, and at the very least, I was also depressed. But of course, all caregivers ignore themselves.
So as I stood there looking into his handsome face, I was thinking many thoughts seemingly simultaneously. Thoughts like….what do I do now….who do I call first…..my husband is dead….I’m a widow…..and….I just got released from my hell.
His sister came over first and blamed me for his suicide. She said if only I had….fill in the blanks. She apologized and comforted me while the Sheriff said he was sorry for my loss. Those words bounced around in my head like marbles because I couldn’t connect with the meaning. She left and then my father came over. I held his hand while I spent 20 minutes on the phone, answering a series of questions about Steve’s health with the company representative who was facilitating the donation of the parts of his body that were still viable. I recall that his skin was all that could be used. How in the hell could life get any stranger or more perverse?
That night after family and friends left, I was alone. Horribly alone. Rattling and bouncing off walls in a silent, echo-y house-of-pain alone. Somewhere in my insanity, maybe it was my higher self, directed me to stand in the spot where his body had hung hours earlier. That same voice directed me to sleep alone in our house and in our bed that night because if I didn’t, those two intimate places would always hold power over me. I did, and they haven’t.
There was a note. I fully understand why he did it and I’ve accepted it. I’m filled with compassion for him. Those who have tried to kill themselves and failed all say that the only reason they tried was to be free from the pain. He is free now and I would want that for him.
I did “well” the first year once I got past the majority of the many “firsts”, though for some reason, I still feel the most alone when I’m shopping at Costco. It’s my nature to take care of business and that’s what I did. I said yes to all invitations to get outside of my comfort zone and grow from each new experience. I was in grief therapy and am part of a wonderful group of widows. As the 1 year anniversary neared, I had the thought that “I’ve got this, I CAN do this” and was feeling a little buoyant about it all. Turns out, I was still in shock.
And 1 month past the 1 year mark, I nearly sliced off the tip of my finger with an electric hedge trimmer. And then Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain both killed themselves within the span of days. And then I started turning on my dear friends, especially the ones helping me get through this. And then I started imaging that my house was going to burn down while I was out. The other shoe had dropped and in a huge way. The shock had given way to the reality of my life as it actually was.
I got myself back into therapy and was formally diagnosed with depression. So much of what happened before his suicide; like the evidence that he was slowly slipping into paranoia and depression, his compulsions and obsessions that took the place of his ability to care for himself and which made me feel unsafe and insecure in my own home, the almost crushing stress that I lived with for years, and on and on….somehow got buried in between just trying to survive a life that looked nothing like the life I had before Steve died. The diagnosis was a welcomed relief because it filled in the blanks of what-in-the-hell-is going-on-in-my-brain!!! The anxiety that fueled the thoughts of my house burning down were an immediate red flag to my therapist and as she explained, anxiety and depression are two sides of the same coin.
Nonetheless, I’ve found myself many times searching for information about what happens to the psyche of a person who discovers their spouse’s body post-suicide. If a death rattles one’s sense of security and identity, what happens when a suicide is thrown in? Does it demolish one’s belief about what we can depend on within our world? Also, I cannot speak to those whose siblings, child, or parents killed themselves because the loss is different. One is not better or worse than the other, just different. The difference lies in the fact that unlike a blood relative, I chose my husband and he chose me. We nurtured a relationship that turned a friendship into a partnership. We vowed to spend our lives together come what may. We made plans and we dreamed. No one knew me better or deeper. A death is a severing of a tree limb. The tree still grows but nothing grows where the limb was cut away. A death by suicide is akin to removing the tree limb with a chainsaw, taking a part of the tree with it while exposing the core of the tree itself. Nothing will EVER be the same, how could it be
In the almost year and a half, I’m formed new patterns. Some are flexible but most are rigid and need to be because they give me a sense of stability. Gaining stability and balance have been invaluable to putting my life back together. I accomplish that by getting out there, challenging myself to get outside of my comfort zone. By doing do, my world is micro-incrementally feeling less foreign, thought I still feel very much alone when I’m in Costco. Must be the high ceilings. 😊
I know to my marrow that I will be okay. Better than okay, because I was taken down to the mat and stomped on, but I got up. Every member of Steve’s family turned on me. What I thought was going to be a huge net of support turned out to be fingers of blame aimed at me. (His father asked that I not attend Steve’s cremation service because “….it’s for the immediate family only”. Listen asshole, I’m the next of kin so I AM the immediate family. Nonetheless, I opted not to go and was totally okay not to go.) I know now that their behavior towards me was grief coupled with guilt. Not one person, including his parents, lifted a finger to help me following his breakdown 6 months earlier. It takes no effort to blame. Looking into the mirror is an entirely different matter.
And now each time that I get taken down, I get back up and stand on legs that may still wobble but not for long because each time I rise, I’m strengthening muscles that had been weak while he was alive. For that reason, I am of the belief that the tragedy of Steve’s suicide is in fact a gift. That which does not kill us absolutely makes us stronger. I am not the same person I was before he died. In fact, Steve’s death to revealed to me what I’m made of and how much I’ve grown in the time since his death. I CAN do this…..because I AM doing it.
Mary says
The same thing just happened to me. Aug. 7 2018 my guy hung himself in the garage. I am struggling emotionally at times to accept it. God bless
Kelly says
Thank you for sharing, I am 2 years on since my soul mate of over 12 years took his own life leaving me alone with our 2 year old child. I realize now that he was depressed and was hiding a drinking problem and addiction to pain medication. The signs were there I just failed to pick up on them, Our last few years together where so stressful ( I realize now this was due to his anxieties and depression) and we never seemed to have enough money and slipped into more and more debt. But we did intensely love each other and I always thought things would get better. I’m not angry at him because I feel like I understand why he did it, I just don’t believe he actually did it. He got lost and I think he was ashamed and felt we’d be better without him, I also think he lived with an unbearable amount of pain. Although the last 2 years have been gruesome at times I am surprised at how much I have achieved, I’m such a better person now and I know deep down I can survive this and make a good life for me and our daughter.
I know what you mean about feeling alone, I was buying groceries earlier today and I just thought, I just really need him to be here. It is getting easier with time to deal with grief and I know the grief won’t fully go away but the intensity of pain will lessen.
A good friend told me to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and that’s what I’ve been doing.
Sending you and the other survivors
lots of love 💚
Karen says
Hi Kelly,
Thank you for sharing your story! I did a lot of research after Steve died and spoke with his therapist too. What I found out is that emotionally healthy people may think about suicide but they would never follow through. Clearly, I’m not an expert and am only sharing what I read. I’ve been through hell, first living with someone with mental illness, then his suicide and the aftermath as well as his entire family turning on me. Did I also think about it? Sure. But it never went beyond that. I’m emotionally healthy. Steve was not.
Going through what you and I have gone through absolutely changes a person. One of the realities of life is that we don’t grow when things are going well. We grow when our backs are against the wall and we have to dig in with every fiber of our body to get through a day. Like building a muscle, it gets easier with time and we get stronger and stronger with each small victory. We’re both going to be okay, Kelly.
Karen says
Mary,
Your loss is so recent! I’m so sorry. Do you have a good support group or people you can talk to? If you’re on Facebook, there are quite a few widow-specific support groups who can help you. Option B is one group. I belonged to Hope for Widows. I could write to them any time of day or night and get a response almost immediately. Support is crucial when you’ve experienced this kind of violent loss. I get it, Mary. I’ve walked in your shoes. And during the times when I thought I was absolutely going to lose my mind, I took “comfort” in know that I wasn’t the first person nor will I be the last person going through hell within my own home. I’m here for you, Mary. Please reach out to me if you want to!
With love,
Karen
Mary says
A few people to help me but none who have gone through this type of loss.
Karen says
Today is a year and a half since Steve died, and I would not have made it through without a support group. I can’t recommend strongly enough that you find one, even if it’s an on-line group or Facebook. You need to be with your own tribe. I really hope you pursue this!! I found mine through my local hospice care group.
Debbie says
Karen,
Your strength and courage are an inspiration. It takes hard work to come back to the world as a survivor of suicide loss. Tiny steps and self compasion each day, even if the steps are backward some days. Thank you for sharing.
Karen says
Hi Debbie,
Thank you for your comments! I call it the Grief Cha-Cha. One step forward, two back. Two steps forward, fall down. You’re right. It’s all about tiny steps. Each victory, however small it may be, propels us forward.
With love,
Karen
Shelley says
Wow! Most of your story is exactly mine. Thank you for sharing. I am a year and 3 weeks from my husbands suicide. His family blames me, told me I wasn’t family, and has abandoned me and our kids. We are better off without them and we know that. I too know that he is free and at peace and no longer in pain but the devastation of losing him is still unbearable a lot of the time.
Your story will help to give me strength to keep going no matter how hard it is. Thank you 💛
Karen says
Hi Shelly,
I’m sorry to read that we have a somewhat similar story and sadly, there are more of us with this same story. It’s really common for families to turn on us. The majority of families can’t deal with the suicide of their child or sibling for so many different reasons.
I am so gratified that my story may help to give you strength. I hope so. Knowing you’re going through it gives me and others strength as well.
With love,
Karen
Ed says
Karen, Reading your story is almost like reading my own. I found my wife of 40 years hung in the basement one morning 15 months ago. The reasons seem to differ, but suffice it to say that your reaction and mine are very similar. I never say no to any invitation and am doing my best to establish and maintain new routines to keep me sane. I also participate in support groups and I see a psychologist on a regular basis. I thought I had everything buttoned down, but at the one year mark I started reliving the whole thing again. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps reinforce to me that I need to keep seeking that new life, even at my age. Stay on your path. You are a survivor.
Karen says
Hi Ed,
I’m so sorry that you found your wife. Finding Steve is an imagine I will never get out of my head.
You’re a survivor too. And you’ve proved it by all the things you’re doing for yourself. Good for you for meeting with a psychologist. I found for myself that beside the loss of my dear husband, I’m equally dealing with the fallout from his suicide and its effect on my security and how I view the world around me. Thank you for your kinds words.
With love,
Karen
Cindie Gunderman says
The stories of a completed suicide always mess with my thoughts. The reason isn’t because I’ve been personally touched by suicide; it’s because I’m an attempt survivor. However, no matter how much searching I do, there is no support group for people like me, and we matter too! I believe stories like mine are reminders of just how lucky I am to still be here, and that should be shared too.
Jodi says
Hi Cindie,
First off, I am so grateful that you are still here with us 💕
Try checking out NAMI. There are actually a lot of resources for attempt survivors. Good luck!
Karen says
Hi Cindie,
I second what Jodi said. I’m also glad that you’re still here! My heart goes out to you that you had once felt that suicide was an option. I pray that’s not still the case. And you’re right that you matter too. You matter a lot in fact. I’m glad you responded so that others will read what you wrote. Thank you!
With love,
Karen
Janice Wright says
I could relate 100 percent to this post. Very similar feelings about the loss being a gift. I had not heard those words from anyone else before. I lost my husband in 2016 and Costco hits me the same way. Thanks. You helped me feel better.
Karen says
Hi Janice,
I’m glad I could help you feel better. ❤
With love,
Karen
Catherine says
I am sorry for your loss. Be so very proud of yourself for how you are working your way through this most difficult loss and caring for yourself each day. Thank you for sharing your story , which, no doubt will encourage many others.
Catherine
(Lost my mother to suicide in 2009)
Karen says
Hi Catherine,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother!!
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words.
With love,
Karen
Beth says
Karen:
Thank you for sharing. My ex-spouse took his life the day after we spent time together. We were married from 2003 to 2017, but his spending due to bipolar disorder got really out of hand and he got in huge debt so I divorced. His family is treating me really bad like I caused his death and I am nothing because I divorced him.
Karen says
Hi Beth,
Thank you for sharing your story too. I am so sorry for the loss of your ex-husband.
It’s really common for families to blame us when there’s been a suicide. They have so many emotions that they don’t know how to deal with including anger, pain, confusion, guilt, grief, and it doesn’t seem right to direct those feelings towards their loved one so they direct it to the person closest to their loved one…us. If you can, don’t take it personal. It really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Maybe in time you can forgive them. Maybe you won’t. I’ve forgiven Steve’s family for no other reason that it’s easier on me. They are in so much more pain than I am. But I still enjoy mentally telling them off.
Much love,
Karen
Sherry says
This….this is also my story…everything including the depression, psychotic break, paranoia that my husband suffered through. I am 27 months out ftom the day I found him hanging in his bathroom. I too thought I had gotten through and was moving forward, but no. I realize even more now, after reading your blog, that I need to take care of myself and start finding my way out of this depression. I have survived, but, I long to thrive.
Karen says
Hi Sherry,
Wow….so you went through it too. I really get your pain and your emotional state and you get mine better than most. Of all of it, the depression is by far the worst. I’m inching towards thriving. The thing that is saving me is overcoming obstacles and being proactive wherever I can. With each completion, I feel incrementally better. Do you have a strategy you can share? Thank you so much for sharing your story too!
With Love,
Karen
Tina Templet says
I lost my husband to suicide only 8 weeks ago at the young age of 39. Gun shot wound to head. He left me and our 10 year old daughter behind. I don’t think based off his childhood he was ever made known that he was very worthy in life. I gave him that confidence and made him very aware in the 13 years we were married that he was worthy. But, something must have clicked. something we don’t know that was going on with him. We seemed to have a great life. I will never forget the day they told me he was dead and then that he committed suicide. I just cannot understand why. He left a note but it doesn’t make much sense other than the fact that he loved us but could not take it anymore. Wish I knew what “it” was. I took 4 weeks off of work to grieve and take care of business. I still had to take care of my daughter and give her a somewhat normal life after which was extremely hard. We just stayed busy. But, at the end of the day the pain is still there. I still wait for him to walk through that door and hug me when he gets home from work. I miss us. My daughter is still young and does not know about how he died. When the time is right, I will tell her and show her the note he left out of love. Having to deal with his family is not easy when our relationship was not great before. They are trying to blame me. But, Only GOD knows why he did what he did. I pray for strength daily and comfort for me and my daughters hearts to heal. I pray for everyone who has had to deal with this kind of loss in their life. It definitely changed ours and it wont be the same.
Karen says
Hi Tina,
I am so very sorry that you’re now a member of the most horrible kind of club. The “it” that he referred to in his note was his pain. Same reason that my husband killed himself. Pain has many faces and shows up in different ways but in the end, it’s the same. My therapist used to meet with a group of suicide survivors; meaning that they all attempted but didn’t succeed. Without exception, everyone said they wanted to be free of the pain. You may never know exactly why but you said something his feelings of being unworthy. Maybe there’s something there.
I firmly believe that Steve would never have wanted to hurt me in any way but his emotional pain was so great that the idea of being free of it overrode everything else. I don’t take it personal and hope you don’t either.
It’s very common for families to turn on the spouse when there’s been suicide. They are so angry, hurt, guilty, bewildered, and everything in between that they hardly know what to do with themselves. They can’t bring themselves to direct all that emotion towards the deceased so they direct it all at the the one closest to them, the wife or husband. It’s just awful to have to experience while you’re grieving the loss of your husband. Several times a day, I used to mentally tell them all off. This went on for a long time. I still do it occasionally but now all I can feel for them is compassion. In the end, I’m much better off than they are.
It will take time before you begin to feel back in your body but take comfort in knowing that it will happen. Don’t ever compare your grief and your timetable to anyone elses!! No two people’s circumstances are ever the same.
Lastly, if you’re on Facebook, there are many wonderful groups for widows only. I used to belong to one called Hope for Widows. I would really recommend you sharing your story with other widows on at least support page. Once you do, stand back and watch all the love and support wash over you. I’m also here if you need to reach out!!
With love,
Karen
Victoria says
Thank you for sharing. Your story is very similar to mine. It’s been 2.5 years since my husband died by suicide. You are the first person to voice the suicide being a gift. Thank you again.
Karen says
Hi Victoria,
I absolutely cannot speak for others and I’m sure that some might find my comment about it being a gift as being extremely distasteful and disrespectful of my husband’s suffering. I respect their feelings!
Having said that, I am firmly of the belief that we only grown when the pooh has hit the fan and we’re left to discover what we’re made of. We may not like what we see in that moment. If not, then it’s up to us to change it. I’ve had many “dark nights of the soul” throughout this year and a half. Aside from the obvious, I’ve had to come face to face with my behavior in my marriage, a lot of which I’m not proud of or have regrets about. But now, I can’t make amends or ask forgiveness. So, I had to sit with it. I’ve had to sit with it all. And it’s been very painful. From this pain, I am emerging a new and different person; a person who is deeper and kinder, with more empathy but also less tolerant of superficiality and those who don’t treat me well. Growth to this extent would NOT have happened if Steve hasn’t killed himself. In life, Steve knew that I struggled with many issues from my childhood. In death, I know he’s proud of the woman that I’ve grown into.
Thank you for your comment!!
With love,
Karen
Janice says
Thank you for sharing your story. My husband of 38 years slashed his wrists in our home 1 1/2 years ago. He had tried twice before he was successful. The devastation feels like it will last forever and it’s hard to make rationale choices when you are so overcome with depression and anxiety. I feel great guilt that my two kids have had to endure the pain as well. But perhaps as you say, it is a gift. We have no choice but to go on. I think sharing our stories may be a great gift for others; you know you are not alone.
Janice
Karen says
I’m really so sorry for your loss, Janice, and for your children as well. Finding our husbands is a sight we can’t un-see and I think that vision just adds another layer to our grief and struggle for normalcy. There is strength and recovery in going on with our lives. Having had a husband commit suicide will always be a part of our narrative but it doesn’t have to define us. When we continue to move forward, it can’t help but make us strong. One way of having compassion for ourselves is to acknowledge the struggle and that we’re doing it any way. I agree with you that knowing we’re not alone, ever, is equally a gift. Thank you for sharing your story too.
With love,
Karen
Karen ivey says
Hi Karen,
Thank you for your wonderful article. I lost my brother Marc to suicide 4 years ago. I am so sorry for your Loss, as you rightly say it is different to losing your husband. However many of your comments ring true for me because a year ago out of the blue I lost my husband suddenly, he had an anurism & died in my arms. So I lost two beautiful men who were & still are a big part of my life. Like you I have Learnt a lot since & like you I have benefitted immensely from pushing myself into doing new & different things to help me cope with the grief. We don’t get over grief, we learn to live with it. I have read a very good book recently by Megan Divine called ‘It’s OK That You’re not OK’ A favourite saying of mine is by Helen Keller …… “What we have once enjoyed we can never Lose, for all that we Love deeply becomes a part of us”
We must always remember ‘to be kind to ourselves’. Sending lots of Love to you & to all those who have been touched by suicide X O X Warm wishes Karen H.I.
London ~ UK
Karen says
Hi Karen,
I’m so sorry to read that you’ve lost two amazing men!! Good for you that you’re putting yourself out there, especially when it would be easier to stay home and be safe. We grow as people and as women when we show ourselves that we are stronger than we realized. You are absolutely correct when you say that we don’t get over the grief but learn to live with it. Finally, I can recognize when a wave is coming over me. I’ve learned to ride it out…..you probably have too. Despite what happened to your brother and husband, you sound like someone who has it together and has some wisdom. Thank you for your wonderful comments!
With love,
Karen
betsy says
this article was really helpful in understanding what my mother must be feeling. She lost her husband of ten years this past Monday to suicide and I am having trouble coming up with the right words to say to her. I wasn’t close to him but she loved him and is going through a very difficult time. Any advice on how to help her?