Many survivors of suicide experience a difficult road in the wake of loss – and the reasons can be varied and unique. In some cases, relationships are pushed to unfamiliar territory, which can result in strain. The effect of suicide loss on relationships of any kind is so prevalent that we have an entire category of posts devoted to the topic. Today’s post from guest author Jenny provides a candid reflection on how her relationship with her mom has changed since Jenny’s dad died by suicide.
How Grief Broke Our Family
After my dad died from suicide, the number one question I got from extended family members and friends was, “How is your mom doing?”
“She’s having a hard time” became my default answer, but that didn’t even begin to describe what her behavior was like. This question still evokes a memory of my mom screaming and struggling to breathe in the hours, days, and weeks after my dad died from suicide. It was overwhelming, to say the least.
One of the first things I was told after my dad died, is that as a family, we will grieve together and we will grieve separately. It’s okay for my mom to see me cry, and it will help us, as a family, to see each other’s process. But I was afraid to cry in front of my mom because her response was so extreme. No matter what I was dealing with, she needed to be the person in the room who was hurting the most and struggling the most.
My mom has always been an anxious, irrational, and paranoid person. Communicating with her has always been difficult, but manageable. But after my dad died, it became unmanageable. I can still feel a quivering pit in my stomach that was there when she screamed unprovoked while I tried to soothe her and shield her and comfort her. It took me a long time to realize that this behavior wasn’t a normal reaction.
When I broached the subject with her, she refused to go to therapy. She refused to take medication, even after her doctor prescribed it. For a year, she demanded that I was available to listen to her vent about my dad. And for a year, I did. I put my own pain and healing aside to accommodate her. She insisted that I didn’t know how much she needed me, and I felt like I was supposed to take care of her, but whatever I offered was never enough. This was painful, on so many levels, but I’m so glad that I had the courage to talk about this with a therapist.
In therapy, I’ve recognized that the bulk of my trauma comes, not from my dad’s death, but from witnessing my mom’s reaction to it. That’s so hard to come to terms with, but it’s so important. I’ve unpacked the relationship I’ve had with my mom over my whole life. And I’ve begun to understand her better: her limitations, what is within her control, and what isn’t. The most important thing I’ve taken from therapy is how to take care of myself.
After working on setting healthy boundaries, and not feeling obligated to answer the phone or visit, two years later I’m finally able to grieve the loss of my dad. I lost my incredibly loving parent: the person I always wanted to be like. I miss his calming presence; I feel guilty for realizing how much of my mom’s emotions he was managing on his own. Today, I finally feel like I have space to feel close to him and miss him and talk about him on my own terms. I still feel bad for not answering the phone every time my mom calls, but I’ve realized these actions aren’t selfish, they’re tools for my own protection and self-preservation.
I do think it’s possible for families to come together and become even closer after a loss like this, and I hope that is the case for most families, but sometimes, traumatic death can splinter a family apart.
I wanted to share this part of my story because I felt like a bad daughter for ignoring my mom, but I am confident that is the only healthy option for me right now. If anyone else is struggling with feelings of guilt or inadequacy in trying to support other family members after a suicide loss, I hope my story encourages you to explore therapy and prioritize your own healing.
Carmen says
Becky,
This is so well said and good for you for taking care of yourself. I hope all goes well “eventually” with your moms. This whole process is just so difficult, for me it was my husband. One day at a time.
I wish you the very best.
My daughter's mother says
Jenny,
As I was reading your post just now I couldn’t help but recognize parts of it that reminded me of my own situation. Although, my situation is in reverse of yours. My dear hubby died over 4 years ago and I still think of him everyday. I recently had a falling out with my daughter and I feel it is pent up feelings that I have held inside since her father’s passing. It always bothered me that my daughter chose to remove all photos of her father from their home after his suicide. She still says that it is too hard to look at reminders of him. 🙁 She doesn’t like it when her father is mentioned in conversation–and I, on the other hand, find it comforting to talk about her father.
I recently told her that I was angered with her for not calling me or sending me a card on important occasions that her dad and I shared. My husband was extremely thoughtful with sending flowers for every occasion on the calendar. It is so hurtful to me that she doesn’t “surprise” me with some flowers on any one of many occasions knowing how much I enjoyed them from her father.
After reading your post I feel that I may be better off than your poor mother after the loss that you both shared. It sounded as if you are her only daughter. I, also, only have one daughter. After finally sharing with my daughter the things that had been eating at me she is now saying that the only way that she wishes to communicate with me is via a family therapist. I don’t feel that is necessary, though, because my daughter and I have always shared a loving relationship until I aired my hurts to her. She sought one-on-one therapy immediately after her father left this world, but I opted not to go that route. Everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way and try and cope with the grief in their own way. When people asked if I went to grief counseling I would always give the same answer, And that was that the therapists had never met my husband and obviously did not know him so they would just be repeating the same rhetoric to me as they did to any other suicide survivor. That may be helpful to others but it certainly wasn’t for me.
I really hope that you and your mom’s relationship will begin to heal. Suicide is so incredibly hard on a family and it is even more tragic when family members are split apart because of it. And just like my own daughter—you only have one parent now on this earth. I know that with my own daughter this is a temporary hiatus that we are taking from each other–just to let tempers cool down once again. It would break my heart all over again if I thought that I had now lost a daughter, also. Mother’s Day is just around the corner and I hope that you can spend some time together and try and devise a plan to where you and your mom can begin to heal your relationship. All of us on this website realize the heartbreak in losing a very special someone in a most tragic way. I hope that your mom understands–as hard as it would be— that you had to set boundaries for your own emotional health. And, mostly, I hope the healing can begin soon.
Lisa says
IMO, I think you’re selling yourself short in not trying therapy or at least investigating it. Sure, the therapist won’t know your husband, but s/he will know YOU and know how to treat you. I am blessed that our marriage counselor took me on as a client after my husband died, so she “knows” him (of course not like I do). But shrugging off therapy wasn’t an option for me, and I hope you do think about it so you get the help you need. Wishing you the best.
Brooke Ramstad says
This is everything. Brave af and solid boundaries. I’m humbled. Thank you for writing this. Please keep writing.
Jenny says
Yes! Thanks so much for saying that – it means a lot. I will!
Mimi says
Becky, I wish you well, healthy boundaries and continued healing.
I guess suicide can bring some families together, but like you, my family has been unable to share a common grieving process.. With my family there has been uneven acknowledging the fact of suicide and it’s aftereffects. Like your mother, some family members saw themselves as the primary victims of suicide loss, expecting me to rescue or comfort them. Angry at me for having my own needs and feelings. Living in the drama triangle. It’s been years and years and only recently am I aware I am also a suicide survivor (sibling). Like you, the greater trauma, was the unrealistic expectations of me from other family members….which went on and on. Without strong boundaries, and and focus on my own needs, healing, and wellbeing…. I hate to think about where I would be. All the best to you!
Jenny says
Yes to finally realizing that you are also a survivor! That really resonated with me because when my therapist suggested a grief group for people who had lost parents, I realized that up until that point I’d only been looking for books along the topic of losing a spouse to suicide (for my mom) instead of seeking resources for me. I’m so sorry you’ve been navigating unfair expectations and difficult relationships, too, but I’m so glad to hear you’ve been able to establish healthy boundaries that have led to healing. So proud of you for prioritizing your own needs and healing.
Cassidy says
Thank you so much for sharing. My baby brother died by suicide 8 months ago and my mother is acting quite like yours. He was HER son so SHE is hurting MOST. She doesn’t realize everyone else hurting and how she’s hurting others… I’ve had to distance myself and it’s been the best for me to grieve my brother. I am now feeling my own emotions instead of being worried about my mother every waking second. Again, thank you for sharing. I know I’m not alone in my struggles now.
Jenny says
I’m so sorry to hear you are dealing with this, too. I can totally relate to being worried about your mom every waking second. It’s all consuming and so unfair. It was freeing for me to realize that my mom will be okay if I don’t show up every time. She is capable of leaning on friends and extended family members too; it doesn’t always have to be me. I’m so glad you can continue to carve out space for yourself. You are absolutely not alone, and you deserve all the love and support as you grieve your brother. Sibling bonds last forever and I’m sure he is cheering you on for setting those boundaries.