On the evening of December 27, 2011, my father was sitting at his desk in his childhood home. He heated up leftover lasagna and ate it while he typed an email to his best friend notifying him that he had decided to take his life. He sent his friend a text stating, "Please check your email." When my father's friend replied, "Rob, I do not see an email" and did not receive a response, he drove to my father's house only to find the email still ...
Fear After Suicide: Learning How to Be Courageous Again
Fearing the worst became a natural reaction after my dad died by suicide. Shocked by the unexpected, life-altering news of his death, my brain instinctively shifted to a permanent state of high alert. When friends and loved ones don’t answer their phone, I start to panic that something terrible happened. If I don’t receive an e-mail from someone in a timely manner, I immediately wonder if I need to check in on them further. Dismayed by my dad’s ...
Dealing with Suicide Grief Attacks
In the days, weeks and months after losing a loved one to suicide, it’s common to experience fleeting suicide grief attacks. These can be characterized as unexpected waves of severe grief that strike out of nowhere or even without prompting. They can present as depressing thoughts or full-on, tear-filled panics. Generally, they lessen in frequency over time, but they can occur even years later.
I remember a few of my most “severe” cases. The ...
Battling Suicide Guilt: Comparing Causes of Death
Have you ever felt that tinge of guilt when someone tells you they’ve recently lost a loved one to something other than suicide? This has happened to me a few times this year, usually in response to hearing about a loved one’s hard-fought battle with cancer or even the passing of an elderly grandparent. Before my dad died, I only experienced my grandparents dying from old age. I’ve now started to experience “suicide guilt” when talking to people ...
From Bitter to Better: Two Years as a Survivor of Suicide
This weekend marks two years since my dad took his life. Once again, I find myself saying, “I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed.” And, like most, I still have trouble believing that I am actually a survivor of suicide, living in continued disbelief that my dad made this decision. Like Lindsay just wrote, it’s been a week of bittersweet celebration for us. After a year on the market, my mom was able to sell our family home, opting to ...