As a grief therapist and survivor of a suicide loss I often struggle with the word acceptance. I have yet to meet another survivor who doesn’t ask me about acceptance. Suicide leaves you in a state of disbelief. How did this happen? And most importantly, “How did this happen to ME?” When I am asked about acceptance, I often turn the question around, asking the person what acceptance means to them. In my opinion, acceptance means something different to everyone. Trying to achieve someone else’s definition of acceptance is a good way to set yourself up for failure. I recently asked the Our Side of Suicide community to define what acceptance means to them. I wanted to share a few of the responses I received:
What is acceptance?
“It has been 3 years since my partner took his life. Acceptance to me is to be able to finally grasp the concept that this is what he wanted. After struggling for so long with unanswered questions, I am finally at a place where I accept that this is what he wanted and that there was nothing I could to about it.”
“Acceptance for me is choosing to see that my dad made his decision to end his life without understanding how much it would hurt me. Acceptance that at the end of it, it was his life and his choice, not mine. I would have chosen for him to live and make different choices. But the fact is that 11 years ago he chose not to live, and I can’t change that now. So the most difficult and most important acceptance for me is that it happened beyond any control I had. And acceptance is to see what led him to that final choice and how I can choose differently for myself!”
“Acceptance means taking people where they are in life. No finger pointing, no lectures, no comparisons. Walking beside them, the good along with the bad. As an amputee this is something I’ve thought a lot about because people don’t know how to react or what to say. They don’t need to do either. Just take me as I am and move forward.”
“Understanding that he is gone and there’s nothing in the world that can change that.”
“Recognizing that my grief will always be with me, for the rest of my life, and being at peace with that. Sometimes I will hurt like hell, sometimes I won’t hurt at all, but most of the time it just adds a bittersweet tinge to my days. Most importantly, I don’t waste energy fighting it, but accept it and go with the flow.”
To me, acceptance is about making peace with the unknown. Being ok with not knowing THE why. Allowing yourself to experience joy and happiness without feeling guilty. Letting go of the anger you feel toward yourself for not being able to save the person you lost. Allowing yourself to move forward knowing that your loved one is still with you. Does acceptance mean you are free of pain? Absolutely not. It just allows the pain to be less consuming.
If you are someone who is currently struggling with the concept of acceptance, I challenge you to define what acceptance means to you. Are you chasing a realistic goal? We all had different relationships with the person we lost. Therefore, we will all grieve differently and all find our own form of acceptance.
Brandi says
I was hoping for more people’s input about what acceptance is to them…is there another page Jessica where I might find more of people’s answers?
Jessica says
There were quite a few responses on our FB page. The post is a little far down, but you can read what members of the FB community wrote. If you have already read those unfortunately I do not have more.
Barbara Zajicek says
Acceptance is allowing people, placed and things to be just as they are, without trying to change them to suit our wants or needs.
MN "N3V3RM0R3" says
Beautiful post. I can say that for me, acceptance can be each of these things – at different times, or in different situations, or it could be a bit of all of them.
Such an important topic for survivors – so grateful for this post. God bless.
georgia says
i have accepted my dads decision, i suppose after 7 years worrying, trying to help him stay strong, numerous visits to check up on him expecting to find what i found the last time i checked up on him.
he struggled with depression his whole life, i am so proud of the fight he gave.
although it’s hard to accept the last image i have of him, hard to accept/get used too the fact that he has just gone, I do however accept and understand his final decision. r.i.p Daddyxxx
I cannot accept the suicide of my partner tho, 1 year after dads, no history of mental illness, just a beautiful man who should have given up the grog, he would turn into someone i didnt recognize when he drank, finding ways to hurt me emotionally and mentally, the last time he chose to do the one thing that would destroy me, he took his life the same way my dad did. A horrible drunken mistake that he can’t fix.
I dont think i’ll ever be able to accept that.
Ell Weber says
Georgia, I hate to find comfort in your story but sadly I do. My husband took his life suddenly without warning after a ridiculous fight and a night of drinking. Many survivors tell stories of depression and mental illness and even though I am sure it was there I never saw it. I have been praying for acceptance but have not and do not know if it will come. 3 plus years and I still beg for it. Maybe it’s just knowing there are others out there? Brings some sort of warped peace for my soul. Thank you for posting. This morning I know there is another women out there who feels the same pain. How bizarre that even among a group of survivors there is different pain for us all.
Ellen