What exactly constitutes strength after a suicide loss? There is little I remember in the first weeks/months after losing my dad to suicide. While it all seems like a blur, I do remember the comments I received about my strength. “You are so strong” people would tell me. Still to this day I have people comment on my strength. 
My response, “What other choice do I have?” The pain of losing a loved one to suicide is overwhelming. It introduces you to a whole new level of pain, that you never knew existed. It challenges your strength beyond ones’ imagination. Was I strong in those first months following the loss of my dad? I suppose. I continued to go through the motions of the day, and completed all necessary tasks. To me, I was just doing what I needed to do to survive. My true strength came the day I decided to begin moving forward. For that is often the most difficult choice to make.
I agree with you completly, the day I decided to try and forgive myself and move forward changed my life. The loss for me was two grandsons within 11 months the first to homicide, the second to suicide in December. He had suffered from mental illness most of his 20 short years and actually lived with me the last year of his life.
His mother and I always knew that taking his life was a probality we just prayed that something would help. Nothing did and we have to live with it. Somehow his death is harder for me because everyone seemed to accept the homicidal death but the suicide with all the taboos that society has seemed to need explantion way beyond what we could give.
I’m better than I was even yesterday at this moment, and I measure my feelings in moments because that so called strength changes from minute to minute.
As far as strength goes , I too had to use it just to do what needed to be done in the early hours and days. . Looking back now I’m not sure if I would call it strength or automatic response to get things done that had to be done.
It’s been 18 months now and I’m not sure at this point what got me here , if it’s strength, faith or just time and knowing that we have no choice other than to move on and go on regardless of this sadness that still takes my breathe away at times. I feel like my grandson killed us all that day.
Amen…… Amen.
I love this! I lost my brother to suicide 2/10/14. We were only 20 months apart in age. I’m sorry about your dad.
At 11 months I still cannot fathom truly moving forward and do not even know what that means or will mean. I know when someone suggests “moving on” I am very hurt and angry because a person doesnt move on from this but maybe forward , like you said what other choice do we have. I feel I will never MOVE ON from this. I am a very positive person and have always believed that every painful or trying experience brings growth or something good but this is so completely different from anything I would have ever imagined was possible or could happen. I know my lost family members would wish for me to move forward and I feel I need to live the life that they did not get the chance to but it just seems so so unfair that I should be able do that when they can not! With that being said alls I can do is continue on one step and one day at a time and will not label it! In time maybe I can but not now!
I agree with the comments above. Many people told me that I was so strong after my husband lost to suicide almost three years ago. I did not feel strong, and I still do not. I felt numb. I was on auto pilot. I moved through life and made significant desisions because my little daughter needed me to.